My Least Favorite Development

I admit it, I get frustrated at my baby...

When he rolls over during a diaper change, when he screams and cries and refuses to eat or even just calm down when I know he is tired.

I get frustrated and it shows in my voice. I say things like "Liam, PLEASE!!!!"  as if he would understand me. I show him how frustrated I am, but I think that just upsets him more.
Sometimes I can walk away, just let him be cranky for a bit. But today...

I needed to change his diaper and so I started to lay him down and he rolls over. Repeat. Repeat three more times until I can even get the bottoms unsnapped. This was a super messy diaper. The kind you need about 6 wipes for...  I get it undone, and he rolls! I have to stop him from smearing his bum on the wall above the changing table. I quickly wipe the worst of it off, and then he sits up. I have to pull the diaper out from under him so he doesn't sit in it.  Lay him back down, he rolls, lay him down again. Hold his chest with my one hand so he won't roll away,  try to get him clean. Get out a new diaper, he rolls away. Hold him down with an elbow while he is trying to roll away. Get him halfway into the clean diaper, he rolls, I secure the tab as he rolls away from me yet again.   Of course he is SCREAMING and crying this whole time and I am about to tell him that fine he can just crawl around naked, except it is 45 minutes past his nap time and I know he needs to sleep and I do NOT want to clean up the crib if I put him to sleep without a diaper. This is just not happening.

But I am totally frustrated by this whole process. I am mad at my baby! Why can't he just lay down and let me change the poopy diaper he is wearing? Why must he fight me!

I get him cleaned up and go to make him a bottle, so I set him on the floor with his toys while I go make a bottle and he is SCREAMING again as soon as I set him down. Following me to the kitchen and screaming like his world is ending. And of course I feel guilty. I feel terrible. I am letting him scream while I make his bottle and feeling bad about it. I know he is hungry, and I know I am working on fixing it.... but he doesn't know that really. I understand why he is upset... but it makes me upset too!

I get his bottle made, get him, he is hungry and sucking his thumb and reaching for the bottle. I get him comfy in my lap and bottle into his little mouth and after about 10 seconds he pulls away screaming again. Its not too hot, its not too cold, its not anything other than perfect. The nipple isnt cracked, it isnt plugged, it isnt broken or deformed or ANYTHING.

He cries and reaches for the bottle again, I give it back, and he starts to eat again, and after 2oz he pulls away and screams. He cries and jams his thumb in his mouth and cries because his thumb is not feeding him, I offer him the bottle and he pulls away.

And I think I must be doing something wrong. Even though this is the same food he ate with joy the day before. He rolls around in my lap and gets all sleepy. I go put him in his crib and he falls asleep. He is happy. He is sleeping. I feel like crap because he only has eaten half his normal amount in the last 2 days and keeps fighting me when he is hungry. And it is making me frustrated at him. I see him being hungry, I know he wants to eat, but he just won't eat. Then he gets even more mad because he is hungry!

I think that maybe this is all because he was over tired, except he did this to me at his morning bottle as well, and the one after that. He fights me more on diaper changes, he will not lay there, no matter HOW you entertain him. And it makes me frustrated! I get upset when he shoves against me and refuses to eat, refuses to be held, but doesn't want to be put down. I keep thinking I am doing something wrong. I think he dislikes me. I know this isn't true, but it hurts.

And I feel bad that when he does this my first reaction is to be frustrated. After a little bit I can be all soothing and comforting and just deal with it, but I get mad. I get angry. I sigh at him and snap and say "Just hold STILL! Please!"  I know this does not work, what works is singing to him, or making funny faces at him. But I can't just go right into that mode when he makes me mad.

I KNOW it isn't his fault. He is 10 months old for heavens sake. He doesn't understand me when I ask him to lay still. He doesn't realize that if he would stop thrashing in my arms he might not end up bonking his head. He doesn't think like that yet. He is just reacting to something that is wrong but he can't tell me what is bugging him, even if that same thing didn't bug him 30 minutes ago.

But I hate that I get angry at him. I hate that I get frustrated at him. I know it doesn't help, but I can't seem to NOT be hurt and upset when I OBVIOUSLY am trying to do right by him and he just wants to get away from me. He doesn't understand... but neither do I. I don't get it. I don't know what is wrong.

I seriously hope this ends soon. Its been three days now of him being indecisive, acting out in new ways and seriously fighting this whole diaper change thing. I don't know how much more I can take!!!!!!!

But then, in between all the screaming and shoving and refusing to eat... he smiles. He plays. He crawls into my lap and hugs me. He leans his head on my knee and is content. He laughs at doggies, he laughs at kitties, he plays with me and touches my socks and is a happy little guy.

I wish I didn't get so frustrated and mad when he gets cranky. I wish it didn't bug me enough that I end up communicating that frustration to him. I know it doesn't help.... but how do I stop? How do I go right into singing stupid songs mode to keep him laying there on the changing table and stop thrashing during a diaper change? 

Ugh.  I have a headache. I need to do the dishes, I need to do my own laundry, I need to sweep and mop and clean and..... and I just don't have the energy after all that. I really don't.