Wednesday, January 7, 2015

I hate blogging

There. I said it.

I hate the feeling that I HAVE to post anything. That if I don't post something for a week or a month or a year that somehow I have failed at blogging.
So maybe I should say I hate what I thought blogging was supposed to be.

But I LOVE having a place to go more in depth than social media.

I love the idea of sharing my ideas with anyone who gives a damn.

I don't like feeling like I can not be myself for the fear of pissing someone off.

So.... I want to blog, and I am going to do it my way. Updates are when I have something to say. If I offend you, just stop reading.

And I am not about to write a summary of all the crap I have been through this last year and a half. I've lost folks who I love and I don't want to drag all those feelings up again.

The important thing I DO want to write about soon is that Yes my daughter has sleep apnea, we're all tired as hell. I've seen the darkest side of dawn and felt despair crash down on me in waves. I've been dragged through my daily life trailing sleep deprivation behind me like toilet paper stuck to my shoe. I have given up on playing nice with the doctors and I am gently but firmly pushing at them to help me fix this, to help me help my daughter get some sleep. I've cried in front of strangers, yelled at undeserving receptionists, had too much wine to drink a few times while trying to find any way to cope for just one more day. I've given in to the demands of a two year old just for the promise of 30 more minutes of sleep. I am not proud of everything I have done, but chances are I will do it all again.

I want a blog so I have a place to spill all these things that rattle about in my head out into the world and maybe somewhere down the road someone who needs my words and thoughts can find them.

So I am going to blog again, but I am not promising rainbows and sunshine. I'm promising my truth and my heart laid bare. As stated by Anna Nalick "These words are my diary screaming out loud and I know that you'll use them however you want to."

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