Tuesday, June 29, 2010

One Month!

Liam will be 4 weeks old tomorrow. Technically one month!

I suppose waiting until July 2nd to call him one month old would be more correct, but hey....

Just waiting on baby smiles and for him to sleep a little bit longer at a time. Enjoying all the sweet moments and watching him try to hold his head up.

Got close to a smile today.

We have had lots of visitors... Dan's mommy and my mommy, and then on the 11th and 12th my Aunt Saskia and Grandma Wanda will be here, as well as my dad and step mom and my step brother to come meet the munchkin.

It will be nice to see them all.

Been tired a lot and working on managing how to care for him and still take care of myself. Sometimes I forget to eat. And I have not had a proper shower for 3 days now.

So here are some pictures! I know you all like seeing them.

I am going to see if I can get this little guy to sleep soon. He seems to not mind when I sing to him, even if I do butcher the songs. I even threatened Dan with my out of order rendition of Somewhere Over the Rainbow when he said he wasn't tired but needed to sleep.

But Liam doesn't even know how the song should go, so I guess its all ok. I know all the verses, I just don't get them all in the right order. Plus I sing it how Tori Amos sang it, so it's not quite the same.

And we sing other songs. They might not be traditional lullaby songs, but they do the trick.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I hate being right...

I am going to have to go buy formula today. Soon.

Every two hours, all night long, I pumped. And between 2 and 10 am I got a TOTAL of 4 ounces out.

I tried to breastfeed him last night, and he screamed the whole time. I tried the nipple shield, and he used that then just refused to suck hard enough to make anything happen, then of course, cried because he was hungry.

I can't feed my own son. Not enough anyways.

I will keep trying to pump, and feed him that before any formula every day.

I feel like I failed him. That there is something wrong with me. I am not good enough for him. I know this isn't really true. But it still breaks my heart to do this.

I still have some things I can try to do to make more milk happen, they just require things that I don't have yet. But I do have the larger parts ordered, so any day now... and I will try some other things, herbal teas and supplements that even La Leche League say are safe to use.

Maybe some of it is stress. Once I can calm down...... maybe.

But once Dan gets back with his coffee I will head out to the store and come home with formula for my boy. I still have two ounces of milk to feed him first, and then I will try to pump again when I am not stressed out. Maybe I just panicked too much last night, feeling desperate for any drop of milk.

AUGH!! I don't even know what to THINK right now.

I know I am not a failure, I know he will still love me, and still get SOME milk, and anything is better than nothing. Plus he went for three weeks on nothing but my milk and gained weight and everything... It's just NOW that is the problem.

We shall see what happens next.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Worries, Thoughts, Trying my best...

Liam is sleeping in his chair next to me right now, he will be three weeks old tomorrow!

I finally got the insurance for him set up, and we have an appointment to get him a check up today. YAY!

But of course, nothing can be easy for me. I woke up this morning with a bladder infection. Thankfully the clinic could give me the treatment for it from just a phone consult, especially since Dan is at work and has the car today. But he is a sweetie and will pick up my prescription for me after work.

I took some of those pills that make the pain go away, so I just am hoping I can manage to not be in pain at the doctors office.

For the most part things are going well. I am worried about not making enough milk for Liam though. Since he won't breastfeed, and now even refuses to use the nipple shield I am pumping only to get milk for him and I don't know if I can keep up.

I am pumping every 2-3 hours, or as often as he eats and finishes 3oz. Granted, sometimes this can take him a while, which is why I try to not go longer than 2-3 hours without pumping. He eats in 1.5oz bits, then sleeps for an hour, then eats more. Yes, even at night.

I am not getting enough sleep, I know. But I am managing. I wish I could nap more, but once I wake up its hard to feel sleepy again. I do nap when I can.

If nothing else at least I am resting. I am not bothering with any chore that isn't totally necessary right now. I am so worn out and trying to keep up with his demand is stressing me out. This morning I had to get one of the bags of milk out of the freezer from that one week when I had tons of milk and was storing some. I was empty and he was still hungry.

I even thought that maybe some of his wanting to suck was just a wanting to suck and offering him a bottle was just making him eat when he wasn't really hungry, so I got him a pacifier to try. But he just spits it out most of the time I offer it to him. He will use it for about 15 minutes at night sometimes, which is just enough time for me to start falling asleep and then have him spit it out and start right up fussing again for no good reason.

Each time he wakes at night I feed him and burp him and change, then have to pump, by then its an hour later and he is still awake since he seems to want to play at night. He will watch me and stare at the blankets, and just not sleep. So then I have to snuggle him to sleep and lat him down and sometimes he will sleep and sometimes he will fuss and cry for another hour, then its time to feed him again.

If he would just take the food from the source........ *sigh* but I don't want to use formula. I am trying my best. I even ordered the larger pump parts since it turns out that might help. I am drinking enough liquids to drown a horse.... At least 2 liters a day, water, juice, milk, etc... only ONE soda a day for the most part.

I think I am eating enough. I eat till I am full, and I eat when I am hungry. I can't force myself to eat more really or else I will just get sick.

I guess some of this is just new mom worries and what not. I might be able to relax more after a doctor tells me that he is doing well (if he is!). I certainly hope that he is doing fine. He seems fine to me and I know he is putting on weight.

So many new things to worry about, so many chances and choices... I just want to do right by him. I want to give him the best that I possibly can.

I love this little guy SO MUCH!!!!!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Quick Update

All is well for the most part.

Liam nursed for a bit last night, but decided once again that it was not for him.

I worry about keeping up with his demand, I think he is going through a little growth spurt.

But he is eating and sleeping and being cute and cranky in between. Normal baby stuff.

We finally got his insurance info sent to us, so I will get to call on Monday and make an appointment for him to be seen and have someone evaluate him and check on his weight and what not.

I know he has passed his birth weight, we got him weighed on Wednesday (two weeks old) and he was 8lbs 7oz. So a full pound more than his going home weight, and 6oz more than birth weight.

His grandma Julie is here visiting, and while I can not say he has been on his best behavior, he has not been totally rude! (I'm sure those moments come later, once he can talk...)

And of course she is making him all these lovely knit gifts! Booties and a hat and this beautiful blanket... oh the blanket is lovely!

We are going to try to get out into Portland today and go to Powell's.

Dan and I looked for a baby sling to carry him in, but since all of them have been recalled right now the best we could do was this cloth thing that makes a little pouch for him. It works though.

Of course, our first outing using it yesterday and within 2 minutes of getting into the store he decides he is hungry and then poops. So I have him sideways in it, holding up him and a bottle while he eats and I look at yarn. Then of course its a craft store with no public restroom to go change him in.... so I have to deal with a cranky Mr. Poopy Pants. But we survived!

Powell's should be better since they at least have a bathroom I can change him in and places to sit if I need to feed him.

*sigh* and here I thought I would be able to just nurse him anywhere, and I am fighting with bottles and pumping and feeling like I just can not keep up with his demand. I could a few days ago, but I think either he is eating more or I am making less.

Good thing we have some stored in the freezer. I was making TONS for a while.

Oh well, I'm sure it will all balance out somehow.

Sunday, June 13, 2010


He is starting to grow I think. He seems longer, and today he held up his head for a second, weakly, and it wobbled, but he did it for a wee bit.

I hopefully will get his insurance info tomorrow, and if not then I will call in to the OHP office and find out over the phone who they assigned him to and then get him an appointment so I can have someone confirm that he is doing well.

All in all he is a really good baby. He is quiet and only fusses when he is hungry or needs a changing after a long nap. 

The newborn rash seems to be clearing up a bit more, his face is looking cuter and cuter! (Not that it ever was anything less than cute before, I just think he looks nicer without little pimples on his cheeks!)

Thursday, June 10, 2010


I finally have sleeping figured out. I think... in between feedings and snuggles and changings and everything else, I managed to get enough sleep the last couple nights. There still are the midnight feedings of course, but they are easier to do when I have gotten some napping in.

But before I head off to bed tonight I wanted to post some pictures I have gotten of my little guy so far.

I can post the silly one.....

 And I can post the snuggly in the blanket with mommy one...

 And the hand holding one...

 And the last one, before I head off to sleepy land... The best picture of him so far. (in my opinion)

I know that isn't a real smile yet. But it is a foreshadow of all the smiles to come. You can see in his face how cute he will be as he gets a little older, and somehow, this picture just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. He just seems to glow. His skin looks so soft, his hair a little messy, you can see the line of his cheek finally, he doesn't have it all smooshed up... I look at him here, and just like every time I see his face, I fall in love all over again.

 I can not wait to see how he grows, I just don't want it to be too fast!

I am making sure to get at least ONE picture a day on the semi-good camera, and quite a few on my iPhone... But I don't want to live my life looking through a camera lens. So intent on capturing the perfect picture that I miss all the perfect moments with my son. Tthe pictures here and there will have to be enough, since I want to be looking at him with MY eyes. The pictures I get might be a bit grainy at times, they might be fuzzy or a bit out of focus, but to me, they are just fine, since it means I am busy being his MOM and not his photographer.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

A Moment

A week ago right now I was sitting in the hospital bed just starting to feel contractions from the pitocin. I was playing cards with my mom and watching Dan nap on the couch.

since the birth of my son everything has been like a whirlwind.

We picked a pediatrician for him, only to get into the office with him 5 days old for his first check up, to be told "You can't be seen here" because of the insurance we had. I brought my 5 day old baby into a space with sick kids, I put him at risk, and I swear I had told them over the phone what insurance we had. I was LIVID. If there had not been kids around, I would have unleashed the wrath of a new mom with not enough sleep for 6 days on that woman's rear end.

That was the first issue. Now on its way to being resolved, though we will have to wait for Providence to assign him a pediatrician. THEN we can make an appointment.

And the next issue came up that he started refusing my nipple at feeding time. He was hungry, he would latch on, suck for a moment, then open his mouth and scream like a banshee. After fighting him on it for a long time it suddenly dawned on me that he had not eaten in 8 hours!!!! I panicked, I was the worst mom in the world, what was happening? So I pulled out the breast pump and pumped frantically, having Dan give him a bottle with the milk from only one side while I worked on the other side.

And of course this all happens on a Sunday. When NO ONE is in the office at the lactation clinic to give us some help. We did the best we could and of course made sure he was fed. I kept trying the breast but he was having none of it.

We did get to see a lactation consultant on Tuesday and she had us try a nipple shield which seemed to work ok. The only issue with it is that it tends to peel away from my skin and wrap around his little face when he is feeding. We are offering him the breast with the shield first, but having a bottle back up just in case for feeding times. At least its a bottle of MY milk, not formula. He has still only had breast milk.

Of course now I am  trying to figure out how I can make sure we always have enough for a bottle and still have enough at a time to feed him. I have three bottles worth stored, one in the fridge from last night, and two in the freezer. Everything he isn't finishing at the end I am pumping out (if he eats with the shield) and I am pumping each feeding time.

Which it seems to be time for again.

It seems like just as soon as I get him fed and changed and content, then its time to feed him again. I have not been getting enough sleep. And it will get harder when Dan goes back to work tomorrow. But I have help if I need it.

This is the biggest challenge I have ever faced. But my love for this little baby just keeps reaching out to overshadow any tiredness, any cranky moment, any frustration. I never knew a heart could HOLD this much love in it and not burst.

Off to go feed my little man! He looks a little cranky today, even asleep...

Sunday, June 6, 2010


On day 2, in the hospital as Dan and I were drifting in and out of naps I realized that if you rearrange the letters in Liam you get Lima.

I guess that no matter what I was thinking, I might have named him already when he was a little bean in my belly. I can call him my Liam bean, or my Lima bean. My little bean, my little boy.

He is doing just fine, today he is 4 days old. 4 days! It seems like so much more time has passed!

My mom left to go back to CA a little while ago. I miss her already. SO MUCH.

But we got to talk this morning a bit and she helped me feel better about some of my worries.

Gotta run and feed my little guy. Milk finally came in which should help him get that weight back up. YAY! 

Friday, June 4, 2010

Home again, Home again

We made it.

He was born at 10:05pm on June 2nd, 2010. 8lbs 1oz, 21 inches long.

Here he is getting his first weigh in.

After that we went off to a much smaller room, and we got to get to know him a little bit more before we got a couple hours of sleep in between trying to feed him and learning how to change him.

Second day was just getting use to everything, and then the second night was rough. He wouldn't sleep in the little crib thing they had for him, so he was fussing and I would just get him to sleep then lay down and get comfy when he would wake up. So I actually didn't get any sleep until 5am when Dan woke up and took over keeping him happy for a bit.

They are bonding really well, they even took a nap together this afternoon.

Then we did some medical stuff. Heel sticks and hearing tests. He passed the hearing test fine, but the heel stick took 5 pokes to get enough blood, he didn't want to bleed! Poor little guy!

But we recovered well enough and then got discharged.

Headed home and got settled in a bit, I gave Liam a feeding, then took a bath. And now I finally get to check my e-mail, post an update here and then see if little guy will lay down for a nap. Can't let him get too use to sleeping on us, or every night will be like last night!

I will try to get Dan to set up the web cam soon, it got delivered while we were at the hospital.

Might even do a post about some of the labor and delivery stuff before it fades from my mind.

Glad to be home with my little guy!!!!!  

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Here we gooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10 minutes until we get out the door!

Its 5:50 in the morning and its about time to head to the hospital. I am just finishing a bowl of Cheerios and Dan is in the shower. I am going to go put some things in the car and then we will be off.

I won't be back home until there is a baby in my arms. I am so excited, and nervous and scared and thrilled and.... well, I think I am feeling almost every emotion known to man, all at once.

Off to go load the car.

Happy Birthday Baby Hegwood. I can't wait to see you!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

The Last Day

Well, here we are, the day I never thought would arrive but have waited for for so long.

One way or another, he gets here tomorrow. Or later today, depending on what happens. Who knows.

But today is my last day being pregnant where I might being going to bed pregnant.

Mom is going to take me out to do some shopping to keep my mind busy. We need a baby bath tub and one of those shower guard things that keep water from spilling over the edge of the tub since she thinks that is part of what is causing the floods behind the potty. We also are going to get some treats to bring for the nurses who will be helping out, as a thank you for all we know they will be doing for me and my little guy. (Plus it means that once I am non diabetic I can have that dang Milky Way bar I have been craving!)

There are so many things running through my head right now. From how to manage guests that want to meet him to how it will be to finally see him face to face, to a touch of sadness, that I will never ever again be able to hold my little boy this close to me.

From the moment I go into labor, he will be growing farther and farther away from me. This is how it is supposed to be, this is how life works, but I have to admit I will miss the kicks and nudges, the rolls and hiccups that have reassured me these past months that all was well. Now I will have to feel his breathing, and that is another kind of reassurance as well... but its different. I know for a while I was always worried that something was wrong and I didn't know about it, but coming down to this last day, now I worry about other things.

I hope he is healthy, I hope there is nothing wrong that they didn't catch, I hope he comes out ok, that I come out of it all ok. I hope that nothing goes wrong so in a few years we can give him a sibling. I hope that Dan gets to feel included even in this last process that is so focused on Mom. I hope I don't turn into a monstrous bitch when I am in labor. I hope I don't hurt his feelings with anything I might say when I am in pain. We already talked about it, and he said that nothing I can say will be anything he will take to heart. At least not the negative things. Even still, I hope I don't say anything rude. He has been there for me through the worst of this and the best of this, and sometimes when there was nothing else to do, he just sat there and listened to me complain when that was really all he could do.

Who could possibly ask for more?

So now I am getting the last few things together. The last few thoughts, the last few items, the last moments before everything changes forever. I am so excited, so happy about getting to meet my little guy. I know Dan is excited too. I want today to fly by, but then, I want it to take its time so I get to enjoy what I can about it.

I suppose it will just keep going on at the speed of time.

Still there is part of me that hopes my little guy will choose to come on out on his own terms. I really do hope for that. Each little cramp, each contraction that I have been trying not to get excited about still makes me wonder. He is sticking his feet up under my sternum and using it as leverage to wriggle down and then I can feel his hands in my sides as he squirms. I know it must be cramped in there for him. His little world is about to get so much bigger.

Soon little guy, soon.

So much waiting, and its almost done. It really is finally almost done.
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