Tuesday, September 28, 2010

I guess I'll go eat worms...

Ever since we switched to Enfamil formula Liam has been fine. But we still had two buckets of Similac formula on the shelf.

Well today I checked them against the recall, realizing that I would probably never give them to him and should see if they were recalled. If they were safe, I might see if I could find someone who needed them and let them use them.

They were recalled.

Which might explain why the first few feedings with Similac were fine, but then suddenly when feeding the buckets that had been bought from Babies R' Us all on the same day, that were more than likely the same lot number... well. I think thats why he was ok with the buckets from the other stores, they must have been different lot numbers.

And here I thought it was Similac brand itself making him sick... nope, it was the beetle larva in his food making him sick.

And I bought these MONTHS ago. And Similac is only now catching the need for recall?

Oh. My. God. I fed my son beetle larva.

No wonder he was puking, and refusing to eat, and screaming after he ate. The food itself was making him sick.

I think Similac has lost this customer for life. If I bought these in Mid July, and only find out about a week ago about a recall.... yeesh. Scary.
I bet WIC is having a major crisis on their hands with how many people feed their babies off of WIC supplied formula, and all they supply now is Similac.

Makes me even more happy that I did not switch back to even another type of Similac just to save money by using WIC.

No amount of money is too much for what I feed my baby boy. We are making it work. I would sooner eat a little less and watch the pennies and use my food stamp money for Liam's formula than risk feeding him contaminated food.

Enfamil, don't fail me now... Don't you have a recall crisis next month...

It makes me want to cry, knowing that I was feeding him contaminated food and trying to get him to eat more of it and not cry. He knew something was wrong, it just took me a few days to catch on.
I'm sorry Liam. At least we fixed it and nothing permanent was damaged. I guess you can tell your friends that you ate bug guts when you need a gross out story to top one of them. Heh... your mommy fed you bug bits. That should get you a few oooh and ahhhs on the playground in a few years.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I work a 24 hour day, how about you?

I am writing this from the bathtub. Yup. You heard me. I am sitting here in hot water plunking away on my iPhone.

For the first time in almost four months I am having a bath that is not made to be baby safe.

The floating octopus thermometer warns me that my water is too hot for Liam. Wheee!

Liam is asleep in his swing and Dan is asleep on the couch.

When Dan falls asleep in the evenings I often try to be quiet and let him sleep. Tonight I don't care. When he comes home after work, spends an hour goofing off with me and Liam then settles in to play games, I keep doing what I did all day long, taking care of the baby.

I work 24 hours a day. 7 days a week, for the last four months excepting a half hour here, 45 minutes there for a shower and a hair washing very few days, and then that five hours I was gone on Tuesday. Maybe a nap once every three weeks that isn't a nap with Liam.

Even when Dan is home, nine times out of ten I am the one seeing to Liam. I told myself this was because Dan works a "real" job and needed the rest. I get days full of baby smiles, messy chins and the occasional afternoon nap with Liam. But you know what. It's still work. All the diapers in between, the crying and fussing for an hour because something just isn't right, the spit up all down my shirt, the whimpering that starts just when I settle into cleaning something or finally get to sit down and eat.

I work a real job. I am the caregiver who wakes at the smallest fuss, checks the time and says "oh. Feeding time!"

I stay up until Liam is asleep. I get up during the day when he fusses. I feed him, change him, pat him and bounce him. Dan will do some of it when he is home, but I still do most of it. And I do it where I am paid in smiles and cooing and the random toot against my leg accompanied by a huge grin when we are bouncing.

Some of it is me just doing it because I am use to doing it and can usually get it done faster if I just do it myself.

But ya know, it won't hurt Liam to cry for a moment while Dan measures the bottles, or takes a bit longer to snap up the pajamas. Or even if he goes into his swing for an hour without socks and a blanket. (wind chill factor for a baby swing. Who would have thunk it...) it won't hurt him.

But I am getting endlessly frustrated with feeling like I am the only one who washes bottles, but I do have three bottles, They can BE dirty for a little bit. Sure, he doesn't always shut the wipe lid and part of a wipe dries out. Oh no. Not a butt wipe!!!! Anything but that!

He won't do things the way I do them, but that doesn't make it wrong. So next time Liam gets fussy and I don't know why... I don't care if you are sitting there playing a video game. I stop whatever I am doing when Liam needs things, you will too now sweetie. Not just once or twice a week either. I am going to take some time every day that is All About Me.

Especially with this class starting, I need to have time to do my homework. You let me have two hours on Monday, and that was great, and that needs to happen again and again and again.

I came up with an idea for a neat product and I wanna make a prototype and test it. So you get to watch Liam while I cut fabric and get out the sewing machine. And I won't jump up when he cries. That will be your job for a little while.

You say you want to help and I will make sure you do now. I will take that help because I realize that I desperately need it. I never tried to NOT let you help, it was always just easier to do it myself than ask you to do it, listen to the sigh when it interrupted you, and then have to wait until you finished it to take Liam. Why is it that I can drop stuff in the middle, and you ask for 15 more minutes that really turns into a half hour?

I love you Dan. Time to be Daddy a bit more often. Before I forget who Jessie is and just turn into Mama. I want to be Mama, but I still need time to be me. Which means a bath sometimes that doesn't involve baby shampoo. And a chance to sit down and DO something without having to leap up at the first whimper.

I want to be the one who gets to finish a project without taking an hour off in the middle to change a diaper, feed the kiddo, burp the kiddo, bounce the kiddo and play "kiss the baby foot" and then forget what I was doing. Yes love, this is why dishes get half done and the broom is always somewhere else in the house and things end up in odd places. Behind the TV is a PERFECT spot for the Windex, thank you very much! It landed there when I was heading into the bathroom to clean the mirror and then Liam woke up with a mighty yell!

I hope I can stick to this and not keep doing it because it is easier for me to just do it. It takes a combo of me letting go and Dan stepping up.

This can happen!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Kudos Dad!

Today was my first day away from Liam for more than an hour or so. I had to drive to Woodburn to meet Bev and pick up Hope the Dog and then drive to this farm out in Molalla and see if this woman was a good home for Hope. She sounded too good to be true, but she was for real. I think Hope will be very happy out there. She has other dogs to play with and she seems to like them, and a whole pile of kids, 5 of which are russian orphans that the woman adopted. Amazing. She has a heart bigger than the 95 thousand acre tree farm she lives next to!

But I left Liam in Dan's care from 8:50 in the morning until I got home at 2:10. I came home to a happy baby who was even dressed in clothes! I had expected to find him still in pajamas! Its not that I didn't trust Dan, because I DO of course, but I wondered if he would just leave him in jammies all day or not. Not that it really matters... but... yea. Dan did great.

And surprisingly I did ok being away. I thought I would miss him terribly, but I rather liked the chance to not worry about him in the back seat, not fret about sun in his eyes in the car, or anything like that. And a chance to not be on HIS schedule for feedings. I got to drive and listen to music a little louder than I would when he is in the car and it was nice to go out and do something that didn't revolve around him.

But it was also sweeter than anything else in the world to come home and see him.

I took a nap later on, and then got up and sat with him for a bit and gave him a bath.

I love giving him baths. I love watching him try to stick his tongue in the water, I love his smiles when I splash him in the tub. We take baths in the funnest way possible. I just get in the big tub with him. That way I can get him in the water up to his neck, I can support his head while he kicks and explores the water. Much better than having him stuck in a baby tub!

Plus it makes it easier to wash him since I can just turn him over. Then while I finish washing ME, he hangs out in what was supposed to be the baby bath tub. I line it with a towel and then put one over him while he sits there.

And tonight he was just so cute...

Seeing him with that towel on his head makes me want to get those little hats that look like that. With the ear flaps.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Rollin' Rollin' Rollin'

Yup. Exactly what I said.

Liam rolled from his tummy to his side tonight, and then, not recorded, onto his back, but he is better with side to back and back to side right now. It is the tummy to ANYWHERE that is the challenge. It took him a bit of effort, but he did make it.

Yay!  But I guess that means the days of leaving him in the middle of the bed are done. He will need to be in his bassinet or belted into a chair or something if I need to leave him alone.

Before now he was a happy non-rolling lumpkin. Now he is starting to be on the move!

Friday, September 17, 2010

Houses, Leaks and Hateful People

Mom came to visit, we found a great house, Dan liked it and we put in an offer. Waiting to hear back from the bank.

Liam is growing well and doing fine. He has his cranky moments, but mostly he is just perfect. He is having a sleepy day today, eating a lot and sleeping even more.

I think Nicole is right, babies do not eat to a certain calorie level by the day, they seem to go by how many they get in a week. Or maybe two weeks. Liam has days where he eats so little its a wonder he is even growing, then days like today where he wants to pack away 4-6 ounces every 2-4 hours. By 6pm he has downed 24 ounces, and I know there are at LEAST two or three more feedings of 4-6 before bed!

The bathroom ceiling sprung a leak. The guy said he repaired it. but then it was leaking even WORSE when the people up there took a bath. So the repair guy had to come back out and fix it. I didn't have a bathroom for most of the day and its STILL covered in plaster dust despite the plastic he put down. Ugh. I have to wash everything again.

Someone who I thought was a friend said something purposefully cruel and hateful to me on Thursday. I would ignore them and move on, but they are dating my very best friend. and now I feel like there is a barrier between me seeing that friend. Because if that person even TOUCHES me or my son I will have them charged with assault. And the only words I want to hear from them are enormous apologies while they cower at my feet. I don't think I could look at them right now without imagining causing them great bodily harm. So I can not go see my friend unless they are not home, which limits the time I can spend with said friend. Plus, while I desperatly want to be the better person, with how upset I am, I do not think that I could refrain from saying a large number of truthful but cruel things in return.

So I am rather slim on the friends front until things either blow over and cruel and hateful one apologizes, and not with one of her backwards "I'm sorry you are mad at me" apologies. I want to hear her say "I am sorry I said that your son should have been aborted or given up for adoption because you currently need state aid for food stamps and health care for said son. And I am sorry I implied you are lazy and abuse the state aid system that is put in place for the 1 in 7 people that live in poverty in this country that you are currently a member of, but I know you are trying to rise above that and not trying to mooch off the state." because that is what her words amounted to.

It makes me sad that I can not let go of this yet. I tried to pray, but found myself praying that she was horrifically injured or suddenly lost her job and needed to be on state aid and then I could go see her and call her a slacker and tell her that she should just get over all of her stupid hypochondria made up health care concerns because now her one doctor visit every two weeks is costing the tax payers money. Or I would find myself praying for her to get smacked in the head with a 2x4 and be tossed into a holding pond full of ravenous piranhas.

I look at my son, and know that he has a right to be alive. He has a right to be with me and Dan and our families. We were not trying to have a baby so we could get state aid, he was unexpected, but not unwanted. We are struggling to make ends meet and living frugally and carefully. We make do with less and repair the old instead of buying new. My food stamps are mostly spent on baby food while Dan and I live on some of the cheapest foods out there for right now. I no longer receive medical aid, only Liam does to make sure he gets his shots so he doesn't end up like those babies in California who are dying from whooping cough, a preventable disease.

For someone to tell me that because we are having a rough time right now that I basically don't have the RIGHT to have my child makes me sick.

I wish I could say more about her, and then tag her name in here a billion times so anyone who searched for her saw what a hateful person she was. But I am trying to be the better person. Maybe failing right now by typing this, but I need to get it out somehow or I think I will implode.

But in the end, she is sad and hateful and will lose everyone around her if she keeps saying things like this. While I have a beautiful son, a loving husband who has a hard time understanding me when I am so depressed. I need to cheer up for him, I need to let this go.

Ugh, adding this to the postpartum depression I am having is not healthy. But it gets easier when Liam smiles, or when Dan looks at me with those big puppy dog eyes and says "I just want you to feel better" even if I can not figure out what would make me feel better.

I will get through this. I will let go of my anger somehow. I will find a way to ask for her to get EXACTLY what she deserves without imagining delivering specific things with my own two hands. Or maybe I will just forget she even exists. That would be better right now. 

Monday, September 13, 2010

Lovely Eyes

I have been able to appreciate Liam's eyes so much more lately.

Simply because they are what I see the most!

He has been jamming his mouth full of fingers, fists, toys, blankets, jackets and anything else he can fit in there!

I think it might be teething time. He is extra cranky and fussy, crying horribly for long bits of time. 10 minutes or so. Cries himself right into the hiccups, then gets mad at those and cries more. Poor little baby boy.

He is still sleeping longer at night, only waking up when Daddy's alarm clock goes off. Which makes me think it might be time to move him into his crib soon. Perhaps move his bassinet into that bedroom and sleep in there with him for a few nights, then move it into the area next to the crib, then finally one night plunk him down in the crib.

My only dilemma with this is that he HATES, and oh do I stress how he HATES hard surfaces to sleep on. To get him to sleep longer than 30 minutes at a time when I brought him home, I had to layer blankets over the bassinet mattress. Not enough to make it super soft like the bed is, but enough for him to sink in about half an inch.

He can easily turn himself from side to back, and so my concerns for him smothering himself are small. He can not so easily turn from side to tummy (so he doesn't get to be belly down, he can't get there!) but if I put him on his tummy he can lift his head and I think if he had something to kick off of, he could turn from tummy to side if his little arms didn't get in his way.

I guess I will give him longer in the bassinet, just until I am ready to take those alarm clocks and throw them off the Burnside bridge in a burlap sack. I will deal with it as long as I can. One - because I love having him near me. Two - Because I always figured I didn't want him in the crib until he could roll at least to his side with more ease than he can now. I just worry about him getting in there and scooching himself into a corner or against the bars and not being able to move away and getting annoyed. The bars are too narrow to pose a risk for getting his head stuck, but I could see arms and legs getting in there. But thats also why baby monitors exist.

I tried putting him in there for his afternoon naps, but it was too hard to let him sleep for very long.

Perhaps in the mean time I can consider how to SAFELY make it just a wee bit smooshier for him. I am currently toying with the idea of blankets under the crib sheet so they can't flip up and make a smothering hazard.

Oh, and I will need more pajamas with footers on them soon. He has a couple that fit right now, but he has outgrown sleep sacks with open bottoms, he just kicks his legs right on out of them and then gets cold. We just got him one that zippers up. It has a monkey on it! Just for my little Monkey Man! Gonna go put him in that one now for bed.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Hope the Dog

Well, sadly, the people who adopted Hope have decided she is too much for them.

Since I don't want her just dropped at a shelter or put to sleep simply because she is trouble, I asked Bev to give her a home until I can find her a new home.

Because the people who adopted her have had her for 4 months, and because I told them about her issues before they even MET her, I am going to ask them to help find her a place, but that I want to do in home visits and what not before she goes there. I want those people to see all of her issues and THEN tell me they still want her. I don't want the poor little thing to be shuffled around from home to home. At least she knows Bev and will have a farm to run around on.

So if you know someone who likes chihuahuas and has a heart for special needs dogs... (she barks at nothing, and she is NOT potty trainable, she needs to wear a diaper or be a mostly out door doggy.)  .. send them my way, please!

She is a cute doggy, a happy doggy, playful and fun... Just.... has issues.

Send some Hope for Hope... she needs it.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

The Life and Times of Grumpy McCrankypants

I don't know if its just me feeling overwhelmed again, or maybe he is having one of those growth spurt things... But Liam is a cranky baby lately!

He doesn't want to work on lifting his head, he wants to scream if you put him into a position where he has to lift his head. He will smile a LITTLE BIT but he wants to fuss more. He is shoving his fist in his mouth and gnawing on it and fussing all the while.

He doesn't want to be held, but he doesn't want to be in his chair, he wants to be in his swing, ALL THE TIME. So thats where he goes.

And then I feel guilty for leaving him in there... but that is just about the only thing that is making him content right now.

This has been going on for a few days now. Maybe 3 or 4. He also spent three nights sleeping for 7 hours, but now is back to waking up every 4 or 5 hours because he wants to eat.

I don't know what is going on... I wonder if its something worth calling the doctor over. Maybe he has an ear infection or something? I don't know... He doesn't have a temperature.

AUUUGH! Where did my happy baby go???

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Honesty, Honestly

I went to see my cousin-in-law and her four lovely girls today.

The girls were just beautiful, happy and sweet and kind.

Nicole seemed genuinely happy to see me and Liam. It made me feel warm inside. Happy to be out of the house and in a place where no one looked at me like I was a bad mommy when Liam decided to pitch a fit.

But oooh, how I wish I was as lovely as her. Her style of dressing, her beautiful home... I only hope that the home I make with Dan will feel like that and that maybe someday I can get my own style back.

Living in pajamas most of the time, not even feeling like getting dressed... yuck!

Now I doubt I could pull of those pretty dresses like Nicole can.... but I once wore nice clothes. Jeans that fit me well, pretty skirts, tops that didn't have rock bands or comic book characters on them. I like my Ranma shirt, but I want to wear things like... that sweater I adore. Only it seems silly to put on nice things when there is baby spit up, drool, the occasional changing time wee-fountain.

Plus, some of those clothes don't fit me now and might never fit again.

I just want to look less like a Wal-Mart reject.

Oh, and I really want to dye my hair again!!!!

At least i looked ok today...

Friday, September 3, 2010

Eating problems?

I wonder if Liam is eating enough.

Some web sites are suggesting that he should be eating 2.5 ounces for every pound.

But at 14 pounds now, maybe even 15, he just will not eat 2.5 ounces for every pound he is. Some meals he will eat 5 ounces, some meals just 2, others 3... but I have kept track and it doesn't add up to the 37.5 ounces a day that says he should eat. Some days he doesn't even reach 25 ounces.

I offer him food and even on a 5 or 6 ounce bottle he will only eat 3 ounces. And when I offer him food in between he will eat maybe an ounce or two and then be not hungry anymore. If he even eats at all before the "OMG I am so hungry I am gonna scream my head off until you feed me" times that happen after he has been napping. If he isn't super hungry he just won't eat a thing. He will just push the nipple out with his tongue and wrinkle up his face and whine.

And of course this means I am having to throw out baby formula sometimes since I just simply can not bring myself to put it in the fridge, then warm it back up and then RE fridge the portion left after adding more to it. Sometimes I am wasting 2 ounces at a time. It kills me because of how expensive the formula is.  I know that technically as long as it isn't out of the fridge for more than an hour its OK... but I have to count warming time, prep time, feeding time, burping time, then time before it fully cools in the fridge. Plus the original prep and feeding and burping time.

But when he is hungry, oh boy can he eat. I've seen him suck down 5 ounces in less than 10 minutes. it makes me smile to see his little milky smile when he is done, that drippy chin and his half closed eyes. So cute!

But he did sleep for 7 hours last night. YAY! It is a good thing to get some sleep. The only down side to that is that there is no longer any sleeping in after he wakes up to eat, since he wants to be UP and active after sleeping that long. Then after two hours or so of being awake he will want to sleep for another 3 or 4 hours, but I am too awake to nap then.

I suppose it will all balance itself out soon enough. He is gaining weight, as my sore shoulders can assure. He is healthy... I think he sleeps more than he should, but some of that is that when I hold him he gets all comfy and falls asleep on me. Then I don't want to wake him up because he is so peaceful and content looking.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

3 months old!

Today I woke up at the clock said 8:15.

8:15... Liam went to sleep last night at 1:30ish, so that means he slept for almost 7 hours.

7 hours of sleep for me!!!!

It is a grand thing!

Then after feeding him he laid down for his usual "I've been up for an hour and now I need to sleep more" nap and I got to make breakfast.

Dan woke up soon after, and then we had a lazy morning and later on went out to the store, all of us! It was kinda nice to go out even to the store as a family.

Then we came home, Liam and I played in the bedroom for a bit. I sit with him on the bed while he wiggles and squirms and smiles.

And after that I made dinner while Liam took a mini nap, daddy and I played online for a while, fed Liam, played with Liam, snuggled Liam and now we just finished watching an episode of Lie to Me while Liam played and then ate.

Dan is doing laundry and we are going to watch Master Chef. Liam is swinging for now, I might snuggle him in a little bit just because its nice to hold him when he is all relaxed and sleeping and not kicking me and wriggling and trying to headbutt me as he tries to find balance for his little head.

Then, when bedtime comes again, its time to HOPE that the 7 hours of sleep happens again.


Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Getting Out

After a minor break down, a bit of a squable and some quality time talking with my Dan, I decided that I need to do more than just go for a walk every day. I need to GET OUT of the house.

So on Tuesday night at 7:00 I packed me and Liam into the car and drove for two hours out to Bev's new farm. Well, its more of a house with a lot of grass and work that needs to be done on it.

I spent the night there, Liam slept pretty good too for being in a different place. He got a nice mattress instead of his bassinet and I think he enjoyed it. He sleeps on his side now more often than not. I lay him down on his back and he fusses and squirms till he is on his side. I suppose I could just put him down on his side and save myself the fussing.

I woke up twice in the night to feed him which is about normal. Then at 10am we were up for good.

I got to have coffee on the porch with Bev while Liam sat in his stroller. Then we played a bit and walked around the porch. And the last few hours of the day were spent watching Bev pull rocks out of the dirt, helping to pull rocks out of the dirt, leveling the ground where we had pulled the rocks out, then Bev and Kelly's friend Wes built a step that was sorely needed. Did a pretty good job on it too for something done in half an hour.

Then after feeding Liam and getting him content again we put the rocks BACK... but this time in a nice way and made a rock garden out of them. Bev had bought some blue star creeper to plant there so we put it in between some of the rocks. Next time I go up there I will get a picture. By the time we were done and I had fed Liam and realized I needed to head home I was pretty tired.

But I enjoyed the time away from the apartment, and I really enjoyed being out at the farm. It rained in the morning and cleared up and got sunny. Liam was only slightly more fussy than he would have been at home.

I know that I have to get him out more just to get him use to being out of the house.

We drove home and Dan was happy to see us. We all lay down on the bed and played some wiggly games with Liam. It was so much fun to be there with Dan. I missed him a lot.

Now we are winding down for the night, doing our normal routine of watching a show on the computer while one of us snuggles Liam. Right now Dan has him so I can type.

I know I need to give Dan a greater share of the duties. I think I will try to make a habit of asking him to take Liam each evening long enough for me to just update my blog.

As much as I love holding him, I need some arms free time. I wish I didn't feel so guilty putting him down in the swing or anything like that. I know it won't hurt him to swing until he is asleep.

I wind up feeling pressured to get him to sleep after he finishes a night time bottle so that I can get to sleep, but he just WILL NOT go to bed before he is ready to sleep. I try to lay him down just 15 minutes before his normal sleepy time and he will stay awake until he is good and ready to sleep. I do tend to top him off with food before bed if he will take it. Sometimes he won't and I know I will be woken up earlier than normal to feed him.

But thankfully, he is starting to get the hang of sucking his thumb, and that is fine with me. He will just soothe himself for now, and later on I will worry about breaking the habit. It has even let him go longer between feedings when he sucks his thumb. Though he still seems to eat his normal amount even when going longer between eating.

Tonight I found my cousin-in-law's blog "Life in a Pink House" and was reading her post about bed times. Hearing how hard it is now to keep the kids out of her bed after letting her first child sleep in the family bed for so long makes me worry about taking Liam into my bed in the mornings. He will sleep alone just fine until about 6 or 7 in the morning, and then I put him next to me just so I can get some more sleep. Since his normal "bed time" is about midnight, or even 1am sometimes. And he wakes up at 4 or 5 for a feeding right now.

That is ok right now, staying up so late, since Dan and I are both night owls. I guess if we ever need to change it, we will deal with it when the time comes.

Liam seems to resist the idea of a schedule. We have a routine, but it can be off by an hour or more from day to day depending on him. If he sleeps till 11:00am, I let him, if he gets up at 8:00am I get up with him, though he tends to nap for a few hours after waking up no matter HOW much sleep he got the night before. And sometimes I use that time to let him nap in the swing while I nap on the couch.

But getting out was such a blessing. I will have to do that more. I really will... I need it. And Liam needs it.

And to end this, the cute face I woke up to this morning...

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