Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I work a 24 hour day, how about you?

I am writing this from the bathtub. Yup. You heard me. I am sitting here in hot water plunking away on my iPhone.

For the first time in almost four months I am having a bath that is not made to be baby safe.

The floating octopus thermometer warns me that my water is too hot for Liam. Wheee!

Liam is asleep in his swing and Dan is asleep on the couch.

When Dan falls asleep in the evenings I often try to be quiet and let him sleep. Tonight I don't care. When he comes home after work, spends an hour goofing off with me and Liam then settles in to play games, I keep doing what I did all day long, taking care of the baby.

I work 24 hours a day. 7 days a week, for the last four months excepting a half hour here, 45 minutes there for a shower and a hair washing very few days, and then that five hours I was gone on Tuesday. Maybe a nap once every three weeks that isn't a nap with Liam.

Even when Dan is home, nine times out of ten I am the one seeing to Liam. I told myself this was because Dan works a "real" job and needed the rest. I get days full of baby smiles, messy chins and the occasional afternoon nap with Liam. But you know what. It's still work. All the diapers in between, the crying and fussing for an hour because something just isn't right, the spit up all down my shirt, the whimpering that starts just when I settle into cleaning something or finally get to sit down and eat.

I work a real job. I am the caregiver who wakes at the smallest fuss, checks the time and says "oh. Feeding time!"

I stay up until Liam is asleep. I get up during the day when he fusses. I feed him, change him, pat him and bounce him. Dan will do some of it when he is home, but I still do most of it. And I do it where I am paid in smiles and cooing and the random toot against my leg accompanied by a huge grin when we are bouncing.

Some of it is me just doing it because I am use to doing it and can usually get it done faster if I just do it myself.

But ya know, it won't hurt Liam to cry for a moment while Dan measures the bottles, or takes a bit longer to snap up the pajamas. Or even if he goes into his swing for an hour without socks and a blanket. (wind chill factor for a baby swing. Who would have thunk it...) it won't hurt him.

But I am getting endlessly frustrated with feeling like I am the only one who washes bottles, but I do have three bottles, They can BE dirty for a little bit. Sure, he doesn't always shut the wipe lid and part of a wipe dries out. Oh no. Not a butt wipe!!!! Anything but that!

He won't do things the way I do them, but that doesn't make it wrong. So next time Liam gets fussy and I don't know why... I don't care if you are sitting there playing a video game. I stop whatever I am doing when Liam needs things, you will too now sweetie. Not just once or twice a week either. I am going to take some time every day that is All About Me.

Especially with this class starting, I need to have time to do my homework. You let me have two hours on Monday, and that was great, and that needs to happen again and again and again.

I came up with an idea for a neat product and I wanna make a prototype and test it. So you get to watch Liam while I cut fabric and get out the sewing machine. And I won't jump up when he cries. That will be your job for a little while.

You say you want to help and I will make sure you do now. I will take that help because I realize that I desperately need it. I never tried to NOT let you help, it was always just easier to do it myself than ask you to do it, listen to the sigh when it interrupted you, and then have to wait until you finished it to take Liam. Why is it that I can drop stuff in the middle, and you ask for 15 more minutes that really turns into a half hour?

I love you Dan. Time to be Daddy a bit more often. Before I forget who Jessie is and just turn into Mama. I want to be Mama, but I still need time to be me. Which means a bath sometimes that doesn't involve baby shampoo. And a chance to sit down and DO something without having to leap up at the first whimper.

I want to be the one who gets to finish a project without taking an hour off in the middle to change a diaper, feed the kiddo, burp the kiddo, bounce the kiddo and play "kiss the baby foot" and then forget what I was doing. Yes love, this is why dishes get half done and the broom is always somewhere else in the house and things end up in odd places. Behind the TV is a PERFECT spot for the Windex, thank you very much! It landed there when I was heading into the bathroom to clean the mirror and then Liam woke up with a mighty yell!

I hope I can stick to this and not keep doing it because it is easier for me to just do it. It takes a combo of me letting go and Dan stepping up.

This can happen!

1 comment:

  1. Yes, yes, yes, absolutely YES! You need to take care of you, to be you. There must be balance in life. You can't take proper care of Liam, you can't be a proper partner to Dan, if you don't take proper care of Jessie! Stick to it, Jessie, my girl!



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