Monday, May 31, 2010

less than 48 hours!

In some ways knowing when he will be here for sure is kind of nice, I know I won't have to be waiting past June 2nd. He will be here...

But there is still a huge part of me that wants him to decide to show up on his own. I want him to get the whole thing started... not have it started for me with an IV line and a synthetic hormone.

But he is running out of time to make that choice. I know everything will be ok either way, and I know why they want to induce him and it makes sense and is medically necessary and reasonable.

I was kinda hoping to have a more natural birth though, have it start naturally anyways. Who knows what I would have wanted once it got started... I am making sure not to have any real expectations besides the end result. I have hopes, but if things need to change in the middle, they can, and I won't be sitting there being all weepy about not having the birth of my dreams. Its the end result that matters anyways. Him being here all happy and healthy and cute and squishy.

Either way, not much more time left. And I am SO EXCITED to get to meet my little guy!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, May 28, 2010

On the road

Well, my mom is on the road heading up here to Oregon to be here for the birth of her grandson.

I am just counting down the hours. The minutes... seconds anyone?

Was having some cramps today and lower back pain, and of course all the info says these lovely things are just my body getting ready for labor. At least I know the end will be worth it!

Not too much else to talk about. All was well at his last appointment and thats that until he either shows up on his own or Wednesday gets here.

I am just killing time... I would be crocheting, but my shoulder is acting up so that has become a bit painful to do.

Oh, but I do need to go water my tomato plants.

Baby Boy has been being cute too, shoving his little butt out to the side of my belly button, making me look lopsided and funny. At least its a CUTE butt! (I hope.... I'm sure it is)

I'm not really worried about much anymore. Just 4 more days either way. Labor doesn't scare me. After all the trials and pain I have been through with this so far knowing that no matter how much it hurts, its the END of it all. Sounds like a good idea to me.

Just part of another day to keep myself busy, then my mom will be here and that will help pass the time. Oh, and she can help me do some last minute shopping. We are dangerously low on toilet paper and cat food. Two things that we do NOT want to be out of! Especially when I get home from the hospital, the last thing I want to think about is being low on anything.

Ok, tomato watering time... then I am going to relax and watch some tv shows and try to kill a few more hours before bed.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

39 weeks

Officially 39 weeks today and I am ready for this munchkin to make his appearance!

Starting to get those random "have you had him yet?" phone calls, which just crack me up, since I will certainly tell the whole world that he is here when he does show up. Between the phone, e-mail, Facebook and here, I can assure everyone that NO ONE will not know he is here before a week goes by. Unless they live under a rock or don't check their e-mails.

I can not believe that there is only a week to go, one way or another. It feels like it has been forever! And still thinking of a whole week feels like it will never be here, still!

But I really do hope that he will get here on his own before June 2nd. Not just for my level of patience, but simply because all the stuff I hear says that induction is a lot more painful than just having labor start on its own.

If there was a real way to start it, I would do it, but all the ways people say work when you look online are all just lame. None of them will work for real, and some of them are just dangerous. Why put yourself and your baby at risk just cause you can't wait? I might be out of patience, but I want him here safe and sound.

He is out of room and totally strong, those little shoves and kicks are painful now! At least I know he is healthy, with each one of those shoves that make me catch my breath and wince I know he is strong and healthy and he will be here soon.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Better than LAST Monday!

AFI and NST are all just peachy. He is doing fine.

I am having some lower back pain and discovered in that situation that the delivery beds in the hospital are really NOT COMFY!!!!!! I don't know how I am going to go about having a baby in a bed that feels like laying on cement.

So its down to the last few days, 8.5 days left. At the most. Maybe less. Oh I hope its less.

But right now I am just tired and cranky and ouchy. Oh well. Soon it will be done, one way or another.

Friday, May 21, 2010

We have a Date!

Well, its official. If he doesn't decide to show up before June they are going to induce me at 6:30am on June 2nd. Which is my original due date.

They don't want me going past that date, and I can't say I am going to complain one bit. I am tired, sore and I want to be able to EAT again. Pasta and bread and omg I want an apple pie.

But most of all, I want my little guy to be here. I can't believe it... 12 days. 12 days at the MOST until I get to see him and hold him and kiss him and tell him I love him and watch his little eyes meet mine.

12 days. Thats... what... 12x24 is 288 hours. Spend 8 hours a night sleeping. 96 hours asleep, thats 190 hours awake until I start to get to see him. Thats only if you count from 6:30 this morning.

Honestly, I am not scared of labor at all. I know it will hurt, I know I can choose to get pain meds, I know that whatever happens will happen. I just want HIM to be here.

I have so much I need to DO then.... I need to finish cleaning, and talk myself out of rearranging his room again.

12 days... wow.

Two weeks

Well, I got the news today that if he does not show up on his own by my due date, they will induce him. So no matter WHAT happens, I know what day he will be here at the latest.

Of course I hope he decided to show up all on his own, but we shall see.

They also reduced the medication I am on for the gestational diabetes, I no longer take it in the morning. It was doing more harm than good, messing up my blood sugars around lunch, making them too low.

And as far as I know I am not going to have to worry about possible preeclampsia anymore. I think if my test said I had any signs of it, they would have called me to tell me. But I will call in tomorrow and check anyways. Besides, they were supposed to schedule the induction today as well, but they never called.

I will just have to track someone down tomorrow about it all.

So, 12 days. It will happen within 12 days.

I hope it starts on its own. I can not wait to meet my little guy!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

One Night Less...

Well I survived the first night of trying not to worry myself to pieces.

Trying to not worry, I distracted myself by making a chain mail necklace. Cutting each link individually and putting them all together. Oh, and making each link by spinning wire around a rod. The whole project took maybe 3 hours, but it was 3 hours that I wasn't thinking about problems. I might make another one today. I have silver and blue and green wire to use. Maybe these would sell online.....

And then this morning I woke up to find a small miracle, All of the cats, co-existing peacefully on the couch together. Its kinda like something really amazing happened to get Katchoo (The grey one) and Tulip (The tabby) to be close to each other. Johnny, (the white and grey/cream one) has never had a problem with any other kitty. He just wants to play.

And one more picture... the day that we got the cloth diapers I wanted to practice putting them on something, since I had never used cloth diapers before... so I diapered a stuffed bear. It looked cute. And that was my first attempt.

Thankfully Kathy sent us some diaper wraps which will make this whole process MUCH easier once he gets here. Those don't even require pins! (Even though I got some, just in case!)

I guess that is the name of the game until I get some news. Just distract myself. I have a blanket I am making for a friend that I can work on, and jewelry to make... I think I am liking making chain mail again, for a while it seemed too tedious, but I think that is exactly the type of thing I need to be doing right now.

Monday, May 17, 2010

They said not to worry

I had my appointment today at the hospital for the AFI and the NST. Those went well, but while I was having the NST they found that my blood pressure was high and there was protein in my urine. Which are signs of preeclampsia. They drew some blood and those results were ok, but the midwife on call decided to put me on a modified bed rest. Which means I can come sit at my desk, or go make a simple meal in the kitchen, or do small things, but if I don't HAVE to do it, don't. So no dishes, no cleaning, nothing even remotely stressful or straining.

I have been given a list of warning signs, things to go into the hospital for... swelling in the face or hands, blurry vision, double vision, bleeding, upper gastric pain... So while I am sitting here being told "oh don't stress yourself" I have a whole PILE of things that are stressing me out.

Plus I have to do a 24 hour... collection.... before my next appointment to check for protein levels. I start that on Wednesday to bring in on Thursday. 

I am 37 weeks and 5 days. So definitely considered full term. I've been having Braxton Hicks contractions for days now, some of them being pretty gnarly, and at my last visit the midwife was checking my cervix and said that it felt like he was going to be a May baby.

I just wonder if it might not make sense at this point to just induce him. He is full term, and between worrying about the diabetes related stuff now adding this blood pressure crap on top of THAT... I don't think I can just Not Worry...

Dan is worried about me, he is so sweet. Making me promise to call him for ANY little problem, to promise to go in if anything even seems a BIT off. Which I would do anyways. At this point, I don't care if I go in and they tell me its nothing. I am not going to take any chances.

I wish there was a safe way to get labor going on its own. But all of the "home remedies" are not true or they are actually detrimental. All there is that is even remotely helpful is raspberry leaf tea which is just for uterine toning. So I am having some of that every night and who knows. If nothing else its more liquid to drink... they keep telling me to drink more liquids.

But as I am trying not to worry, there is some comfort. Little guy is JUST FINE. He is strong, his heart rate is fantastic, I feel him swishing and kicking and squirming and headbutting my bladder all day long. The AFI was fine, the NST was fine... he is doing just peachy keen. As long as I can feel him kicking, I am happy.

Which is one of the things I watch for... if I go more than two hours without feeling him kick I need to go in. So I am paying attention.

I just hope that when we are ready to give him a sibling it isn't this challenging!

Sunday, May 16, 2010


I am having a cranky day.

The cats are setting off my allergies...

My son is basically knocking at the door and trying to walk is painful and a challenge. When he isn't doing that he has those feet up under my ribs and is shoving hard enough that I can't catch my breath.

The cats are being annoying, kinda squabbling over nothing and being bitchy with each other.

I keep bouncing between being awake and being sleepy. I want to eat food but nothing sounds good except things I can not have. In fact, right now I would do anything if only I could have a cupcake or some pie or something sweet.

Every time I stand up I am having Braxton Hicks contractions, but nothing that will do ANYTHING other than annoy me.

My shoulder hurts, my back hurts, I have to pee!!!!

Everything is annoying. I am even annoying myself.

I have an appointment tomorrow for the AFI and an NST, so we will see what happens there.

I just want to stop feeling like whining and complaining like a little kid. Its all hormones, I know... but I think I wanna throw a tantrum and kick and scream for a while. But I know it won't fix anything in the end.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Hurry up and wait.

I kept all my promises to him, the window is painted, I made him blankets and all of his clothes are ready. He has a car seat, and a stroller for all those walks I keep telling him about. He has so many people waiting on him... Three Grandmas, and some Grandpas, aunts and uncles... and of course, me and Dan.
Everything is ready and just waiting on him.

Maybe nature made the last couple weeks of pregnancy uncomfy for a reason, so that any mom who went through them wouldn't be so scared of delivery.

But I'm not scared! I just want him here so much. I've waited this long, how much longer can I possibly wait?

How many more nights can I possibly put up with heaving my sore body into that bed. Just ask Dan, I whimper when I have to move in bed now. It hurts!

I want to eat what I want to eat, when I want to eat it. I want to see my son and start his adventure of life. The sun is out, shining so bright and I want to be out in it. I can't even do THAT because of the pills they have me on for the diabetes. Sun sensitivity my fat....... *sigh* I want to show my little guy all the amazing things out there in the world, but I can't yet! And its making me feel like I am going to jump out of my skin.

I'm more than 2cm dilated, I am having Braxton Hicks contractions that are getting more and more intense, just not matching up to a time that makes sense. All the gross stuff about being pregnant and going into labor soon is happening to me.

Maybe today, maybe tomorrow, or maybe I am going to be stuck feeling like this for another 2 weeks or more......

How do you pass the time? I am getting SO BORED with everything there is to do!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Wait for it.....

The appointment today went well! Yay.

We passed the NST just fine, even though he was being lazy.

And the midwife checked and I am 2cm dilated and she said it feels like he will be a May baby. *SQUEEEE!!!!!*

He is riding low and literally RIGHT THERE.

Tonight I've been having some pretty gnarly Braxton-Hicks contractions, they are getting pretty ouchy. I guess its just gearing me up for the real thing.

I started putting names down on my calendar for what days of this month people think he will get here. No prize if you win, just me telling you that you were right.

We got the stroller and car seat today, (Thanks Mommy!) and put the base for the car seat in the car. We got it as tight as we could, but still want to go get it checked out by people at the fire station who do that sort of thing. They are so nice, you can just go down there and they will tell you if you got it installed right.

We also had the fun of trying to put together a stroller... that took more work than I thought, and when it was done, Dan said the sweetest thing... He said "I never thought I would be this excited over having a stroller!"

He was looking at it and going "Oh neat!" and "Wow, cool!" about some of the things it does. It was so cute.

I still need to pack my bag for the hospital. Maybe thats what the little guy is waiting for. I should go do that.... then there will be nothing left to do but wait. Nothing essential that is. Maybe he wants me to finish up all the things I said I would have for him. Painting the window, making his "Shhhhh, baby sleeping" sign to put on the front door to keep people from knocking on it... Maybe I need to finish that last baby blanket I am working on for him. Ok, last two.....

Maybe I am just inventing these things in my head to keep myself amused.

My midwife today said that something I should do to keep myself sane is to try and forget for a little while each day that I am even pregnant at all. Not to the point where I go out for a spaghetti dinner or go have a drink at the bar... but long enough that I feel like ME again and not just a walking life support system. I'm not sure how to even go about doing that......

What's Left?

So, to all the moms out there...

Here is the list of things we have for this little guy for the first few weeks, what else would you suggest getting before he gets here? I am sure we will find things we need once he is here, but I want to make sure we have the basics covered.

* 6 newborn sized onesies
* a bunch of socks
* some thinner fleece blankets, as well as heavier blankets
* three sleepers
* two swaddlers
* mittens to prevent scratches
* baby nail clippers
* baby wipes
* cloth diapers and disposable ones too
* stroller and car seat (on the way)
* bassinet
* crib
* changing table
* shirts, pants, hats
* music CD's
* thermometer
* wash cloths
* towels
* two bouncy seats, plus a swing
* Boppy pillow for help with nursing or sitting/leaning support
* nursing bras and pads for mom
* cotton balls and alcohol for cleaning the umbilical stump
* lots of love

Anything that you moms found essential that I might have missed?

I even have planned ways to make sure I can get a shower or bath while no one else is home to help me with him... (portable chairs that can sit on the bathroom floor. I'm sure I can grab a 5 minute shower while he sits in there with me.)

I have a great support team who are all just a phone call away... some of whom can even come over and help if I need it.

Oh, and I have a camera for getting pictures, it just eats batteries like a kid eats cookies.

I have all the stuff they suggest mom gets for MOM as well... personal care stuff... thats all stashed in the linen closet or under the bathroom sink.

I have tons of clean pajamas and a husband who does the laundry... so thats all fine and dandy. I have a guest bed set up with clean blankets and sheets for guests who come to help and need to stay. Or just want to stay...

I have all the gear suggested for nursing him... pump, storage bags, bottles... JUST IN CASE... But according to all the guides on that stuff you shouldn't use it (or need it) for the first few weeks. Some weird thinking about Nipple Confusion. Seriously I have my doubts that it even exists, but why risk it when feeding him should be simple.. and if its not... well, I am prepared for that too.

I went out shopping today to get some of those last minute things... the thermometer, the wipes, the floating octopus that tells you if the bath water is too hot or too cold... the baby sunscreen for his first outings, the diaper pins just in case...

We have outlet covers and cupboard lockers to install. I think I might make that a Daddy Job...

I worry that Dan feels kinda useless right now. He helped me put together the furniture, helped me pick out babies onesies and socks, comes to almost all of the Dr. appointments with me (which earns him MASSIVE kudos from the midwives, they love him!), but until the little guy gets here his only job (until labor) is to listen to me whine about being sore and tired. And he does that SO WELL! but I don't want him to feel like there is nothing he can do to help. But maybe he is just tired from working so much and is glad for the last few days of rest before his life gets turned on its head.

I wonder if either of us can really prepare for how much everything will change. We both have taken care of baby animals. Kittens, Puppies..... but even being needy, they are nothing like a baby.

I've heard it said that moms become moms when they find out they are pregnant, but dads don't become dads until they see their baby actually in this world. I wonder how much both of us will change when this little guy gets here. What priorities will be re-arranged, what arguments might come up, what tender moments will bring us both to tears, what will we THINK about this little guy who has been working on getting here for so long?

Both of us agree on so much about raising a child. It is truly amazing how much Dan and I really do think alike and have in common. I knew I picked out a great guy, but seriously, this is like a story... a fairy tale... I just hope that once you toss another person into the mix it stays this good. But I think it will... we both would rather meet in the middle than argue, we both want this to be wonderful forever... neither of us have lost any of our own selves in the other person, we both remain individual people, we just happen to be traveling the same road in life and are doing it together.

I guess the next step is just to wait and see. To keep on greeting each day with love and smiles and compassion and patience. And to make sure we both get to voice our concerns and have them get talked about and keep communicating.

I think we all will be just fine. We have everything ready... we just need the baby to show up! Come on little guy! Time to come say hi to the world!

I don't want to wait 3 more weeks. I have so many kisses saved up for you, so many things to show you, and I think your daddy might pop if you don't get here soon! I know I feel like I could pop, but thats more when you jab those little knees into my belly button......

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


The apartment complex kids came over to watch me planting tomatoes. Then it was like because I talked to them it meant they all could come inside my apartment. Some of them without asking! They just opened up the back door and marched on in!

They asked to play on our computers, to play with my jewelry making stuff, to do this and that and where did this come from and can I have that...

I have never seen such invasive children!!!! Didn't their parents teach them manners? I would never have DREAMED of asking a stranger if I could have something of theirs... these guys just blurt it out.

I don't know if their parents are just in the dark about what they do when mom and dad are not around... but if they know that their kids are invasive and they are ok with that I just kinda wonder...

I want to teach my son to respect people and their homes. That you ask to come in, that you don't just pick things up without asking, that you don't ask if you can have things unless they are offered to you.

I wonder if these kids are just that starved for attention. Maybe they do this because their parents don't give them things to DO. They all seem interested in my Making stuff. my yarn, my wire, my beads, my sewing machine... Maybe I can get some cheap art stuff and have an art day with them. Some of those foam shapes and popcicle sticks and have them make puppets and put on a show.

Or get out the crayons and some paper and ask them to draw pictures. Or I can pick up some yarn from garage sales (or get it donated off of Craigslist) and show them how to make friendship bracelets or how to crochet (if i can find some hooks that are not my personal ones. I know that mine would just end up going missing if I let them play with them.)...

I feel bad that I think these kids are missing out on something in life. Maybe its something as simple as better parenting, or use of imagination. Maybe they need something to DO... if their parents would compensate me financially, say, 10 dollars a kid.... I could set up a weeks worth of hour long craft projects... one a day for 7 days. Popcicle stick puppets. pipe cleaner animals, pony bead jewelry, friendship bracelets, hand sewn stuffed dolls and animals, paper mache piggy banks..... I could think up SO MUCH STUFF to do with them for super cheap. Maybe I will just DO the paper mache stuff. That is easy. A bag of water balloons for the form, newspaper and then the flour and water and elmers glue gunk and some cheap paints for when its dry. We can make them on the porch and hang them from the railing to dry for a couple days. They can paint them, make noses for the pigs from cardboard toilet paper rolls, and a tail out of pipe cleaner, or ribbon, or whatever stringy thing there is.

Ooooh, I could show them how to press leaves and flowers.... that is fun.

I just think they need something to turn their little creative minds toward.

I hope my kiddo will not be invasive and beggy like these kids are.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

So far, so good!

Had another NST yesterday. All went well!

His heart rate is fine, he is measuring at the correct size. My blood pressure was a LITTLE bit high, so they ran some blood tests, but EVERYTHING IS PEACHY!

Today we are supposed to get the first delivery of diapers. I will have to break out a stuffed animal or something to practice on.

And lets see... the big exciting event for the day, woo hoo, wait for it..... Grocery Shopping! Yea... I am that bored. A trip to the store is something big.

Tomorrow I think I might go out to Babies R Us and pick up some wipes, diaper pins, a thermometer... Ok, now there is a debate. Its good to know what your munchkins temp is and know what it SHOULD be... so that you don't panic over nothing, but also so you know what is something to worry about.

I think one of those ear thermometers will be fine. Daddy doesn't wanna do rectal temps and I can't say that I blame him. I don't think I am too keen on the idea of doing that to my poor little munchkin either. It can't be a happy feeling as a baby to be turned over and have a stick stuck in your tushy.

But there are these supposedly accurate head thermometers now, that you put across the forehead.

I suppose it doesn't matter in the end, as long as you use the thing a few times and see what a normal temp for your kiddo is and work from that. I will just see what is available and what seems the fastest and easiest. The last think you need to do with a sick kid is try to wrestle them down to figure out their temperature.

So... what else... Besides me wanting him here and having NO PATIENCE, everything else is normal.

I'm getting more stretch marks. I thought I had gotten off easy, but now there are more of them showing up. Thin ones, but still... And at night he starts shoving around a lot and it puts some painful pressure on my poor abdomen! He really only does that at night. It feels kinda like he is working on turning around in there. Not heads up or down, just head in or out... strange to feel.

This really has been such an interesting experience. I'm sure I will write more profound things about it later on. Right now I am without patience and just want him here. It feels like I have been waiting forever!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Long Distance Viewing

Ok guys... It turns out that my idea of putting a web cam in his ROOM will not work.

We got to thinking about the logistics of it and running a USB cable from his room to the living room where the computers are... Well, that cable would cost more than the web cam itself and would have to be attached to the ceiling. We would need a distance of about 40-50 feet worth of cable to run it from the wall in his room to my computer. Not impossible, just... not in the budget right now.

SO! What I will do INSTEAD, so that you all who are far away still get to see him, is that we will get a web cam, but we will be putting it in a more normal place, my desk. That way we can record video for e-mail, we can set up live video chat with relatives and also make video calls through a program like Skype. Or I remember there being another good video chatting program.... I will have to do some research.

It might happen later on that we will come across the money needed to set up a live feed online of a play area for him or something else cute like that, but right at this moment in time it isn't going to happen.

I also have a nice little video camera that I can record with and get higher quality video and get that onto the computer as well with a little work.

We will make sure that everyone gets to see all kinds of important things in his life. Like Daddy's first time feeding him, Daddy's first time burping him, Daddy's first time getting spit up down his back... Mommy's first time trying to give him a bath with actual soap, Mommy's first time trying to fit him into clothes other than a onesie when he is squirming, Mommy giving up on keeping socks on those little feet... Or the moment I know will come, when Johnny the Cat decides that baby socks are the BEST TOYS EVER and grabs one to run off with. All those wonderful moments you want to share with the world.

We will make sure that even people far away get to see the newest member of their family when he gets here. I don't think any mom in the world can resist showing off their little ones to an appreciative audience. I am no different.

I just want to make sure that even family far away gets to be included in his life. I have relatives that I rarely get to see, people who I am related to that I have never met, never even seen a picture of... And I am not even talking about my New Family through Dan.... I don't want my family, and HIS family to not know this little guy. Family is so important to us both, and I want to make sure everyone knows who Baby Boy Hegwood is... that he is never "you know, your cousin from Oregon" or "Dan and Jessie's little boy" but no one can put a face to him.

So when I fill your e-mail inbox with pictures and videos, show them to your family (and friends too! you have bragging rights!) who doesn't have a computer, or who's e-mail I might not have.

And yes, we will also do normal pictures too, the kind you can stick up on the fridge and take to work and put in a wallet to show off to strangers on the street!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

All is well

Apparently I was just being paranoid. But its ok, they reassured me that that is my job and its all ok.

We decided to take care of the normal visit while I was there. So the AFI result are fine, actually his fluid level is on the high side of normal.

They did a quick exam and swab for a kind of bacteria that some people have that is normal, but might be bad for baby and would require me to be on antibiotics a while before labor, we should get the results in 3 days.

Also, the midwife checked on some other stuff and I am doing about what is normal, dilated to 1cm and thats perfectly normal at this point. It just means my body is getting ready to have him.

They are thinking that the reason for less movements is simply he doesn't have room to do the big kicks anymore and its down to more shoves and knees and elbows. But still, that it was better to go in and get it checked out since it concerned me.

So everything is fine! He could get here any time really... any day now and he would be considered full term. I am just so glad he is ok.

Still have bi-weekly NST's and weekly AFI's scheduled, we finally got that scheduling mess all fixed and I have 4 weeks worth of appointments made. I am just so happy... I can not wait to see him, to meet him... and right now I think the worry came cause of all these tests, I think they got me concerned for him so I was taking my worry a bit too far.

It will be better for HIM if I can relax about it all, so I am going to just try to chill out.

I have a plan to make a crocheted bag to fill with a couple of small crochet projects (like booties, or a baby blanket) to take to my appointments and work on there. I need to find some way to kill the time since Mondays will be filled with a lot of waiting apparently.

We are going to stick to our plan and go swimming tonight, just like last week. The two hours of being weightless does wonders for my body and my mood, I think I need that after today.

It is so weird, after hearing those simple words about my body getting ready for having him it suddenly feels like I really AM in the home stretch. It's down to less than one full month to his due date. While the online calculator tells me June 4th, the one at the Clinic says it is June 2nd. Either way, less than 30 days till D-day. And he could get here earlier, or later, or he still could wind up being induced if things take a turn for the downhill side.

I'm feeling really excited and hopeful, glad that things are ok. Glad that no one was irritated by my worry.

Well, I am going to go curl up and waste some time before swimming tonight. More to come soon, and for sure an update on Monday after the next NST.

AFI and worries

I had my AFI this morning, I won't get anything interpreted for a day or so on that.

But I got worried last night when I realized that his movements have not been as active the last couple of days.

I called the midwives and they want me to come in today instead of tomorrow for the non-stress test to see where his heart rate is.
His heart rate at the AFI this morning was on the low side of still being in the normal range.

Nothing to worry about just yet... but I will worry anyways, its my job.

But normally at night I get kept awake for at LEAST half an hour with kicks and jabs and hiccups and more kicks and jabs.. but the last couple of nights I have not gotten kept awake.

To me, this is a cause for concern. Apparently it is for them as well at the Maternal Care Clinic since they want me to come in today for the NST. They will just fit me in between clients and I will have my appointment today instead of tomorrow.

I hope all is well, I'm sure it will be. I just am worried. I guess all first time moms worry when things like this happen. I'm sure its all totally normal. But hey, better safe than sorry. They will probably check me out to appease my concern then chalk it up to just one more new mom paranoia.

I would rather annoy a million midwives and nurses just to get an answer, than pretend like nothing is making me feel uneasy. I bet its the same kind of "worry" that makes me think the worst when someone is half an hour late getting home. An accident on the freeway, someone hit them, they hit someone else, they tripped and fell in a drainage ditch... I dunno, my brain can make up some amazing scenarios, and none of them have ever been true.

I still remember the one night in Santa Cruz when I scared the hell out of my poor mom.... She was late getting home, and she didn't pull her car all the way up into the driveway and the house blocked it, I couldn't see it. She was wearing a hoodie and it was DARK outside, she was coming for the back door but I didn't know it was her... so I hid behind the kitchen door with the broom in my hand, ready to SMACK that intruder on the head with the handle! But, the intruder came inside and acted like they belonged there, so I asked "Mom?" and she jumped out of her skin and said some words that don't bear repeating. Everything was fine, but now I had scared HER by sneaking up from behind the door in a dark house.

Maybe its a mom thing, to think of all the scary things that can happen so we know what to watch out for. I'm sure there were times, oh hell, I KNOW there were times I kept my mom up all night with worry. And I am so sorry for those times... my only excuse is being a dumb teenager who was trying to figure out my place in the world and thought I knew everything and didn't need help anymore.

Maybe I am just a worrier. I check on my animals in the morning, thinking that somehow a perfectly healthy critter will have died in their sleep. Sometimes I even check on them at midnight bathroom wake ups. I worry about my friends, and family. If someone says they need to talk to me later on, I always assume the worst.

But right now, no kicks to the internal organs and much SMALLER shoves are making me worried. Maybe he is just running out of space, or maybe something is happening. Until I can hold him in my arms and SEE him breathing, HEAR his heartbeat with my own ears on his chest, FEEL his warm baby breath on my face when I nuzzle him... I am going to worry if something seems off.

I will try not to be one of those moms who drags their kid to the Doctor for every little thing, oh, he got dirt in his eyes, well, thats what tears are for. He skinned his knee? Bandaids and neosporin... or like Bev and her dad... he dragged her to the doctor when she swallowed a dime. She wasn't choking, and all the doctor could do was tell them that it would have to pass on its own. But George was so worried about her... I don't want to be the mom that makes the pediatricians sigh and roll their eyes. But if something really feels wrong.... yea, I will take them in.

And this time, I just feel like I need to get checked out.

Will update with what I hear when I get home. I'm pretty sure it will all be good news. I'm just being a paranoid mama right now.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010


I got a phone call today from the Providence Imaging Department, apparently I missed my appointment yesterday for an AFI. (an AFI is just an abbreviation for a bunch of fancy words meaning Ultrasound to look at amniotic fluid...)

But here is the catch... I didn't even KNOW I had an appointment! After a very confusing call to the Providence Maternal Care Clinic, I got everything straight. Apparently they wanted to do the AFI a week earlier than I had been told, so they made the appointment for me. The only person they didn't remember to tell was ME! oops!

So since they wanted it done this week, not next week, I had to reschedule. I go in tomorrow at 7:45 in the morning. And of course since these hips hurt and there is a baby in my pelvis I am doing the Arthritic Penguin Waddle, but I get to add a full bladder to that, since you have to go to the ultrasound with one of those too.

Thankfully they quickly do the part that requires the full bladder then let you run frantically to the bathroom before continuing the ultrasound.

In other news, I got my craft table finally! Dan and I went to Walmart and found exactly what I wanted, a folding card table. And for 20 dollars, you can't beat that! So tomorrow my project for the day will be cleaning the boxes out of that corner of the dining area and getting to move all my wire and beads and crafting stuff over to the table and off of our coffee table.

I am going nuts with the living room being in a state of limbo, somewhere between study, work area and living room all at once. I want it to LOOK like a normal living room! Plus once I get the table where it belongs I can move some other things around, unpack the last few boxes and then have a home for the baby swing!

That will be nice to finally get out of the nursery so the door can open all the way.

Will update tomorrow on the AFI and if I hear anything about how he is doing!

The Belly

A few people who are not on Facebook have been wanting to see the belly picture...

So, here you go!

Taken a couple weeks ago. I want to get one more set taken before he gets here!

You can see the beginning of his wall collage, which is going to be a collection of creative things family and friends give us for him. (If you have something to add to it, send it along! Letters, drawings, photographs, anything I can point out to him and say Look who made that! You can be creative too!)

I go in for an AFI Ultrasound tomorrow to check on him and see how he is doing, I will post an update after that! Its not a normal ultrasound, they just are going to check on the amount of amniotic fluid he has available to him, which will help us estimate his size and if I should be induced or not. Maybe I will get another picture of him to share... One can always hope!


I dread bed time. Sure, it starts off ok. Settle in, get comfy, get up to pee, get comfy again... start to doze off, wake up cause I got kicked in some internal organ.

But then I finally fall asleep, and wake up in pain. My hips feel like they are trying to dislocate themselves! They hurt so badly, I have to turn over each time I wake up. It hurts to stand up from laying down.

I roll over and whimper as I move.

I shouldn't complain, I know this will pass, but oooooh does it hurt! I have even tried taking Tylenol before bed, but it does me little good.

Each day I walk and hurt, sit and hurt, stand up and hurt. I think something is gnawing on my tail bone, my inner thighs feel like some wild animal shredded them to ribbons... but I can deal with this... sit on a hot pack, go take a hot bath, put a pillow under me... its the sleeping thing that is killing me.

I sleep in little bits now. I will go to bed at midnight and sleep until 10 in the morning simply because I just can not get enough sleep in one cycle to feel rested.

Perhaps this is just prep for the first few months when I will be up every couple hours to feed and change the little guy. But at least then the pain I am in should be getting a little BETTER each day, I swear this kind of pain is getting worse.

The midwives all say its pretty normal for some people.

I did feel GREAT when I went swimming, 2 hours in the pool being pain free and weightless was lovely, but when the time came to get out it was kinda like having a sack of bricks put onto my body as I heaved my beached whale feeling self up those steps. The weight all came back at once and I swear I waddled like an arthritic penguin to the changing room only to stand in the hot shower until I could manage to lift my feet with them dragging and go try to get into my clothes.

But we are going again on Wednesday. Those two hours of time in the water felt like a gift from the most loving deity in all of creation. I could have fallen asleep if I thought I might not drown doing it.

In all this time I spend not sleeping I have watched 5 seasons of Bones, 3 seasons of Heroes, 2 seasons of Castle, 5 full length movies, and I am about to start watching season 1 of CSI... I have crocheted through so much yarn that I made 10 unique blankets, 4 pairs of baby booties, 3 scarves, about 8 hats, one bag, one pillow, 3 dog/cat toys and I have two more blankets in the works... three if you count the one that I can't finish until I buy more yarn. Oh, and two wash cloths out of the ends of some yarn balls. I will have gifts to give new munchkins for a long time, and my boy will have some really pretty blankets!

Maybe I should try to sell some of them on Etsy... ? who knows. I also made up a pattern to make a baby hat that has pointed cats ears on it. Its really cute!

But more than I want to finish those blankets, more than I want to find out what happens next in all my shows, more than anything, I want to sleep. I want to go to bed and not wake up and have to turn over and whimper while I am doing it.

I can not WAIT until my little guy gets here, I bet I will sleep more in the first two weeks of him being here than in the last month of carrying him.

Oh, and plus, once he DOES make an appearance here, he no longer will be able to pull that little trick where he curls his feet around my ribs and uses them to push his head down then punch me in the spleen with his fists. Maybe he will be a kung-fu master, maybe he will be a gymnast, maybe he will be a side show strong man.... either way, he is working on his movement skills with dedication and force!

Please oh please, just let me get some sleep my body! I know you are being taken over by alien forces, but can we just leave the hips out of the story for one night?


Saturday, May 1, 2010

Boys Don't Cry

There are all kinds of lies we tell people. No, that doesn't make your butt look fat, Oh wow your new haircut looks great... The ones that are for the better... Then there are the ones that hurt. Yes I did my homework, Yes I'm sticking to my diet, Or telling your doctor you don't smoke... Then there are the lies that society has told us to tell. Boys don't play with dolls, girls aren't supposed to like worms and slugs, Boys don't cry.

I just heard my neighbor across the way, the one pregnant with twin girls who already is having a high risk pregnancy plus on top of it all she is smoking.... She told her 4-5 year old nephew that "boys don't cry". He was upset about something, I'm not sure what, but her tone of voice was mean sounding. She snapped at him. He started to cry. She told him to stop crying like a baby. That Boys Don't Cry....

So what? Boys can cry. Everyone deserves to cry. Not just girls. Not just babies. If you get hurt, physically or emotionally, its ok to cry. I cry at movies, I cry for certain songs, I cry from sad stories on the news, and that was when I wasn't even dealing with pregnancy hormones!

Dan, don't kill me for saying it, but... You cry too! You cried when we had to find your kitty a home, you cried when I agreed to marry you, you tear up a bit when you talk about relatives you love who have passed... It makes me love you even more! You are not afraid to show your emotions and in my eyes that makes a man even more of a man. He isn't ashamed to FEEL.

I want my little boy to grow up to be able to feel. I don't want him to be a guy who shoves his feelings down inside him and chokes on them. I don't want him to think that they mean nothing. I will hug him and put a bandaid on a booboo when he cried from pain, I will hug him and kiss him and comfort him when he cries from fear. I hope I never snap at him and make him cry, but even if I do, I will be adult enough to admit I was wrong and ask for his forgiveness for losing my temper. Being the Mommy doesn't mean I am always right. (Same goes for Dads too.)

But that moment overhearing the neighbors... It made me wonder what other kinds of lies I am going to have to tell my son are not true.

I don't want anyone to tell him its not ok for boys to play dress-up, or try on different roles. A friend of mine who taught in a pre-school class said that Dads would come to pick up their children and yell at their boys for playing dress up, or wearing an apron in the kitchen play area. Some little boys wanted to put on high heels. They are 3... 4.. maybe 5 years old!!! Putting on high heels, or a dress, or an apron doesn't mean they are gay, or doing anything wrong! It means they are trying on all the different roles they have seen other people in their lives take on! They are trying out different ideas, learning, growing... Wearing high heels and a princess dress for an hour when you are 4 doesn't mean you will grow up to be a cross dresser or anything else! (But my Son, just promise me that if you DO dress up like a girl later on in life, you will do it with a SMIDGE of good taste? ok? Pink spandex mini skirts don't belong on ANYONE, male or female.... )

I might have a daughter later on too. Would I get mad at her for wearing work boots and a tool belt? I better not, or my mom would whoop MY butt! I was raised smarter than that!

So... what do I do if someone else tells my son that its not ok to play dress up? What if someone else tells him that its not ok to cry? or takes away his doll or stuffed animal that he nurtures?or tells him that its not ok to do something simply because of his gender?

I suppose all I can do is just teach him that sometimes people are wrong.

That sometimes, people start to think a certain way and nothing you say or do is going to change it. I can teach him to be stubborn about the things he feels are right. And most of all, I can love him and hug him, tell him I believe in him and that he can do ANYTHING in this whole wide world, even if it means wearing high heels to do it in.

Our society is changing so much, we are moving forward at an incredible rate, but there are still so many people who don't want to see that, who want things to stay stuck in the past.

To all of them, I just want to say, Keep your opinions off of my son! Keep your mouth shut, keep your ideas trapped in your own head.If you stay quiet, so will I. I won't call you a narrow minded jerk, or anything else. I will simply feel sorry that your kids won't get to learn all the things my son will learn.

Boys do cry, they feel, they love, they hurt and they need someone who is there for them, just like girls do. We all need someone, or something that matters to us. That's life, and we all deserve to feel every moment of it in whatever way we need to feel it. Even if it means being a man and crying about it.

"I would say I'm sorry
If I thought that it would change your mind
But I know that this time
I have said too much,
Been too unkind.

I try to laugh about it.
Cover it all up with lies.
I try and
Laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry,
Boys don't cry"

-Boys Don't Cry -- The Cure
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