Wednesday, May 5, 2010

AFI and worries

I had my AFI this morning, I won't get anything interpreted for a day or so on that.

But I got worried last night when I realized that his movements have not been as active the last couple of days.

I called the midwives and they want me to come in today instead of tomorrow for the non-stress test to see where his heart rate is.
His heart rate at the AFI this morning was on the low side of still being in the normal range.

Nothing to worry about just yet... but I will worry anyways, its my job.

But normally at night I get kept awake for at LEAST half an hour with kicks and jabs and hiccups and more kicks and jabs.. but the last couple of nights I have not gotten kept awake.

To me, this is a cause for concern. Apparently it is for them as well at the Maternal Care Clinic since they want me to come in today for the NST. They will just fit me in between clients and I will have my appointment today instead of tomorrow.

I hope all is well, I'm sure it will be. I just am worried. I guess all first time moms worry when things like this happen. I'm sure its all totally normal. But hey, better safe than sorry. They will probably check me out to appease my concern then chalk it up to just one more new mom paranoia.

I would rather annoy a million midwives and nurses just to get an answer, than pretend like nothing is making me feel uneasy. I bet its the same kind of "worry" that makes me think the worst when someone is half an hour late getting home. An accident on the freeway, someone hit them, they hit someone else, they tripped and fell in a drainage ditch... I dunno, my brain can make up some amazing scenarios, and none of them have ever been true.

I still remember the one night in Santa Cruz when I scared the hell out of my poor mom.... She was late getting home, and she didn't pull her car all the way up into the driveway and the house blocked it, I couldn't see it. She was wearing a hoodie and it was DARK outside, she was coming for the back door but I didn't know it was her... so I hid behind the kitchen door with the broom in my hand, ready to SMACK that intruder on the head with the handle! But, the intruder came inside and acted like they belonged there, so I asked "Mom?" and she jumped out of her skin and said some words that don't bear repeating. Everything was fine, but now I had scared HER by sneaking up from behind the door in a dark house.

Maybe its a mom thing, to think of all the scary things that can happen so we know what to watch out for. I'm sure there were times, oh hell, I KNOW there were times I kept my mom up all night with worry. And I am so sorry for those times... my only excuse is being a dumb teenager who was trying to figure out my place in the world and thought I knew everything and didn't need help anymore.

Maybe I am just a worrier. I check on my animals in the morning, thinking that somehow a perfectly healthy critter will have died in their sleep. Sometimes I even check on them at midnight bathroom wake ups. I worry about my friends, and family. If someone says they need to talk to me later on, I always assume the worst.

But right now, no kicks to the internal organs and much SMALLER shoves are making me worried. Maybe he is just running out of space, or maybe something is happening. Until I can hold him in my arms and SEE him breathing, HEAR his heartbeat with my own ears on his chest, FEEL his warm baby breath on my face when I nuzzle him... I am going to worry if something seems off.

I will try not to be one of those moms who drags their kid to the Doctor for every little thing, oh, he got dirt in his eyes, well, thats what tears are for. He skinned his knee? Bandaids and neosporin... or like Bev and her dad... he dragged her to the doctor when she swallowed a dime. She wasn't choking, and all the doctor could do was tell them that it would have to pass on its own. But George was so worried about her... I don't want to be the mom that makes the pediatricians sigh and roll their eyes. But if something really feels wrong.... yea, I will take them in.

And this time, I just feel like I need to get checked out.

Will update with what I hear when I get home. I'm pretty sure it will all be good news. I'm just being a paranoid mama right now.

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