Onward and Upward!

As 2009 closes down all I wish is that I had a little more time.

Time to get the gifts for my family together, (sorry for christmas being late from me!) Time to get out and do more at the end of the day. Time to spend doing the things I WANT to do and not the things I HAVE to do.

But in all the scramble, I am now having to watch my time more carefully.

I was dignosed with gestational diabetes, which means I now can not go more than 4 hours without eating, and that I have to skip almost ALL the sugar out there. I have to eat at certain times for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and check my blood sugar 2 hours after I finish eating. And have snacks in between those meals, and before bed.

Being careful what I eat, and needing to make a bigger deal out of it, is making me feel uncomfortable. I feel like I am a slave to my food now. I would kill for a glass of orange juice (the only thing I have craved this whole time) and when I DON'T eat carbs in my meals, my blood sugar drops, but I didn't eat that many carbs to begin with, it was mostly fruit, juice, and yes, sodas, that raised my sugars. And the occasional bit of chocolate.

So far I have been good about the diet, since being put on it 3 days ago. Only thing that was bad, was that yesterday I woke up from an afternoon nap and I was so hungry I couldn't think. I had just had breakfast, and then a snack 3 hours before I woke up, but I felt like I hadn't eaten in a day. So I downed a whole tupperware container full of pasta and sauce from the night before. I felt full and happy, and went back to sleep happily.

I have these "free" foods I can eat, veggies, and some other things, but too many veggies and BLEAGH, we all know what happens then. And too much meat/cheese/protein and I put on too much weight.

Speaking of weight, tossing all the sugar from my diet caused me to LOSE 3-4 pounds in a week. But the waistline is ever expanding. Even to the point where I had to go buy bigger underwear. *grumble*

But this week the top of Baby's little home-for-now reaches my belly button, and its starting to look more like there is a baby in there and not just too much holiday food!

21 more days until we get that ultrasound, which is super exciting.

But right now, I have a long overdue date with my bed.

Sleepy time!

Getting use to being Mrs. Hegwood

And getting use to wearing a ring all the time, and calling him Husband, not boyfriend.

But all is going well. We got a bit of sad news after the wedding when his grandma passed away though. That put a bit of a damper on things.

In other news, I am back to work, and its like nothing has changed. Barely controled chaos and not the right supplies for the job. But I am managing the best I can.

Oh, right... you might want to see wedding pictures...

yup, thats us...

In baby news, we find out the gender on January 20th! *SQUEEEAL!!!!!!*  I can't wait.

And we heard the heartbeat on the 16th of December, so all is well in that department. A nice healthy 156.

The apartment hunt begins after the first of the year, and I can not WAIT! Our own space, where we actually HAVE space! what a concept!!!

Well, gotta keep this short, I need to go make a batch or two of fudge for the nurses where I work who are going to be stuck there on X-mas eve. Might even make some for the patients too!

Here, instead of words, Have some more pictures!

Brett, holding baby Dotty, Dan, Me (with baby bumpage showing BIG TIME), Colleene, Ruth (holding Grace) Nicole in the back and Pearl looking cute.

And instead of tossing the bouquet, I gave it to my cousins to divide up into three, so they could each have a bit. Turns out that was a great idea, since they were asking their mom if they could have the pretty flowers! I just kept one cala lily for me.

Blessings

So tomorrow is the big day. My wedding day.

I can't even find the words to say what that means to be, but thats ok, someone else said them first.



"In a world thats ragged with sorrow,
and every dream is stolen, begged or borrowed
blood flows in rivers on the evening news,
be it fortune or fate, there drowns me and you.
Ban we share the light
can we swear by all thats right,
to find a way?

I know today
I have a world of song
a will to carry on
and each new day the dawn shining through my window.
I have a morning breeze
that gently touches me
reason enough to believe in a tomorrow...

Each moment I embrace is precious and so new,
I treasure it more, than ever before
because I have you.


And every heart thats ever been broken,
starts to fear it will never re-open.
The walls of our pride don't always conceal
how the wounds rarely seem
to completely heal.
But you reached inside
saw the child who cried
and did not turn away.

I know today
I have a world of song
a will to carry on
and each new day the dawn shining through my window.
I have a morning breeze
that gently touches me
reason enough to believe in a tomorrow...


Each moment I embrace is precious and so new,
I treasure it more, than ever before
because I have you.

The love we feel is the gift that keeps us alive
with every breath I know my life
has been blessed by all the kindness
in your eyes.

I have a world of song
a will to carry on
and each new day the dawn shining through my window.
I have a morning breeze
that gently touches me
reason enough to believe in a tomorrow...


Each moment I embrace is precious and so new,
I treasure it more, than ever before
because I have you."

- Deidra McCalla

One week

One week from now, I will be getting married.

One week from now, my name will change, my life will change, and there will be no going back to who I was before. Sure, I will be the same person as far as personality goes, but my life will have this inexplicable change in it.

Love doesn't follow rules, love doesn't come and go at your bidding. Love is unexpected and unplannable. Love can sweep in like a breeze or roar through you like the fiercest hurricane. Love makes demands of you, love wants you to keep your promises. Even the ones you don't say out loud.


Do I love Dan? Yes, with all my heart. He is so perfectly matched for me, I don't know how I got along without him. Do I think he loves me? Yes. He says so every day, in words, and in those thousand little ways that don't need a single word spoken to be real.

He says he loves me when he tosses my clothes in with his when he does laundry, when he brings home from the store not only what I wanted, but something else I wanted that I didn't even ask for. He says it in the smile I get when I walk into the room, EVERY TIME I walk into the room. He says it in the way he comes to sit next to me when I go to bed before him. He says it in the way he listens to me when I am frustrated and upset, even if he doesn't know what to do about it, he still listens.

Right now, lots of things are frustrating and upsetting. I'm pregnant and one of the LOVELY side effects of that for me is the Stuffiest of Stuffy Noses. I mean, really, I have not been able to smell in OVER A WEEK. I can't breathe normally, I am blowing my nose all day long, I am cranky because its a bit scary that I can't breathe right and when I get to the point where I am sitting in bed whimpering because I don't know what else to do.... he comes over and hugs me, kisses me on the cheek and just sits there with me.

He complains about work, I complain about being bored and feeling trapped in my room since the house is a mess and its not MY mess. He gets cranky, I get cranky, he whines, I whine, he laughs, I laugh. His smile can light up a room for me. His bad moods just make me smile because I have to think of ways to make him laugh... I do my best to help him, and he tries to help me. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.

All we can do in life is make the best decision in each moment based on what we know in that moment.

I know that I am making the best decision for a whole lot of moments. For a whole lot of days, months and years to come. You marry who you love right now, and grow to love whoever they become in all your years together. I know that no matter how things are 10 years from now, I will never regret marrying this guy. He is the best one for me, the one who fits me better than anything else I can imagine.

It might seem a little soon, it feels kinda rushed even to me, but it doesn't feel wrong. I know that no one else will ever fit this well with me.

Yea, it kinda makes a difference that we started a new little person together. That does color the situation, but if I didn't belive that he wanted to marry me just because I am me, I wouldn't have said yes. If I thought it was just about the kiddo, I would have made him wait. I know it isn't just about the munchkin, I know that if things had kept going as well as they were we would have ended up here anyways. Granted it would have been in the summer and the wedding would have been on the beach in the foggy sunshine of the Oregon coast... but hey, now we will have our baby's birthday to be celebrating on the coast, little thing IS due in the first week of June...

One more week, and my life changes forever. And I couldn't be happier about it.

Well, I never...

Today was a rotten day. From waking up after tossing and turning all night, a worn out tired me, I went to work. I had no blood draws, only one urine cup to collect, and that was the day. I drove all that way for nothing basically. Except my pay. Which is crap in the first place.

Then I was happy, since I had a dentist appointment to get some cavities fixed and then I was going to pick up my wedding ring.

Well, at the dentist the receptionist was reading off the work they were going to do and said something about silver fillings. I bounced in, "Excuse me? I mentioned on my paper work that I am highly allergic to nickel, which is in those fillings. You can't do "silver" fillings on me!" She said that getting the white ones on anything but my front teeth was going to cost me 168.00 per filling. I was astonished. Because I was allergic I had to pay? She said "well thats what your insurance covers with us." I asked to speak to the dentist.

He was WORSE! he was rude to me, dismissive, not even able to sound like he was sorry at all for not reading my chart apparently. I told him I was allergic to nickle, he said "well I can't treat you different than any other patient." YOU CAN'T!?! If you had a patient who was allergic to the anesthetic, you would need to use a different one, or would you just drill on them with nothing? If you have a patient with different needs, you need to treat them differently! He said that "people on your health plan should take what you get and deal with it."

I was humiliated. Just because I am on a state health plan, I should not receive the same standard of care as someone on a better plan? I should "deal with" having metal put in my mouth that will cause an intensely painful reaction? Or pay an outrageous amount of money to HAVE that standard of care. If I HAD that kind of money, I wouldn't be on a state health plan. I have never felt like I was some sort of lower class person until that moment. They didn't treat me with any sort of respect.

I asked for my x-rays to give to my next dentist. They wanted to charge me. I said I would just have my new dentist call them for the x-rays. I had to leave before I punched that dick head in the face. The place doesn't even FEEL like a legitimate dental office, the door says Adv-something, the place is supposed to be "Soft Touch Dental" but it doesn't say that ANYWHERE on the building or in the office.

So I went home in tears, crying because I was humiliated, because I had been treated like some kind of loser. I am the same person I was when I had great insurance, I am just as good as anyone else in the world. And to be treated like I am not hurts my heart.

I ate some food, got some comfortings from Dan, took a nap and woke up just in time to go pick up my wedding band, which was now supposed to be in my size. But apparently my fingers were a different size. The size that fit me so well just 5 days ago was now too tight. So I am having them take it up another half size.

I just feel like nothing has gone right today.

Now I have to call my dental plan on Monday and try to find a dentist who isn't an asshole because their web site won't let me SEARCH for someone who will take my plan and I would have wasted hours calling a billion places before I found one who would.

I just want to be treated well, even if I am on a state health plan, it doesn't make me any less of a person with the right to NOT have to settle for second rate service and work done on my body.

My biggest concern now that I had that experience, is that I will be treated like that in the hospital too. That my concerns will be dismissed and my body will be treated poorly. I don't think those wonderful women at the midwife clinic would do that to me, but it scares me.

everything changes

Ok.

Lets see, what have I left out recently.

My stepmom came to visit. We paid for the dress, and the veil, and a little tiara thing. (its ordered, and due to come in soon! then i get to try it on, and we will see about alterations.) we paid off the cake, bought some stuff to make wedding favors and things like that. It was good to see her!

The next weekend my aunt threw me a little wedding shower. That was nice. Cute favors. Including Hershey Kisses that had "Jessie and Dan" stickers on the bottom of them!

I've discovered that WIC is pretty useless to me. It only pays for food that I rarely eat, or don't have time to cook. Sorry, but dry beans and brown rice are NOT things that I eat often, and when I know I am going to get called into work as soon as I start cooking (HAPPENED 8 TIMES ALREADY!) there is NO point in cooking!!  The 8 dollars in fruits and veggies is almost laughable since that buys SO LITTLE in the way of those things. And to get the full value of the milk voucher you need to buy 2.25 or 2.5 gallons ALL AT ONCE. Ummmm, I don't have ROOM in my fridge for that much milk! I could use it to get a gallon of milk, but that is only about 2 dollars right now. I can find 2 dollars digging in the change under the seat of my car. *sigh* all the trouble to get on WIC and now I don't even use it. Oh, and a pound of cheese. But you can't get string cheese, shredded cheese, anything but mild cheddar or jack or colby. I don't think I have eaten a pound of cheese in the last 5 months, let alone in ONE month. It would go bad and I would have to throw it out. All i really eat is string cheese and Kraft slices for grilled cheese or bologna sandwiches. Ah well, I will stay on it, it won't cost them anything to keep giving me the vouchers, they only need to pay if I use them.

I did get on the Oregon Health Plan, and through them the Providence Plan. I have a place that I like for my care, and a PCP finally, and they told me what pills are safe to take, so that means I can finally have a night where I can sleep and only wake up 6-8 times instead of the 12-16 times I was waking up.

So, I am getting in to the second trimester. I'm noticing that I can eat more, but that I am still stuffed up and tired a lot. I am having weird dreams now too! Kind of disturbing ones where someone accuses me of something and I have to defend myself. Or dreams that someone is in danger but I can do nothing to help them.

I did get to have my first ultrasound and see the little squirming munchkin. S/he was tossing some hands all over the place and throwing back the head and squirming and twitching. Very cute. I will get pictures next time, was too busy being amazed to think about it the first time, and Dan even got a little tear in his eye watching that. It was way sweet.

Work is going ok, but I don't think I am allowed to have a day off. Every person that BrightStar has sent over to Cedar Hills hasn't worked out for various reasons. I just hope it gets settled soon, so I can actually go on leave for my wedding! Oh, and to have a baby once I get too big to be bending over patient beds and stuff like that.

I wish I had some ice cream in the freezer, that sounds good.

Oh well, I think its time to go to bed and try and sleep. After the sheet gets done in the drier. And I make the bed. And take my Bendryl that will help me breathe, and put me to sleep.

Appointment Bump

So, i got a call yesterday telling me that they had an appointment opening tomorrow (today). I jumped at the chance to have my first doctors appointment at a time when Dan could go with me.

So in we went, and after a general health history, some questions, a bit more talking, and waiting, i got to have the fun of a pelvic exam, but after that came the wonderful moment I had been waiting for.

First we tried finding the heartbeat with the dopplar, had it for a second, then no more. So we got the ultrasound machine, and someone who was super good with it, and then suddenly on the screen, there it was. My baby. S/he twitched, once, twice, three times, FOUR TIMES! Little arms bouncing up as the head tossed back. Like a hiccup, or just a random twitch. Who knows.

So my little Twitchy One is really real. S/he is in there, growing and changing and existing. I can't wait until next month where I can beg them to do it again so I can get a picture of it!

Wow what a week.

Ok. Lets see. We picked the cake. Papa Hayden bakery in Portland. They are making my (and Dan's) wedding cake exactly how we want it! And it will be so pretty and so tasty and so perfect!

I got on OHP. And made an appointment ASAP to get the kiddo checked out, and found out two things. One, you need a months notice to get an appointment. and Two, OHP doesn't give you a list of people who will TAKE the plan, so you have to do all your own leg work. Unless you sign up for a plan within the plan, and then you get a list. but its only on that little plan within the plan now that you can use the plan. Confused yet? So am I!

But it means that on the 9th I can call a phone number and get a list of doctors who will be my primary care physician for a while now, and a dentist (YAY! tooth fixin'!) and I picked my OWN baby place, cause I kinda wanna be picky about who does what with me and my munchkin.

So on November 23rd, I will get to go in and see just how healthy I am! *fingers crossed* I'm sure it will be fine!

In other news, my Chihuahua has NO IDEA how much she is putting her life in danger each time she barks that shrill little yippy bark when my head is pounding. And my room mate has NO IDEA how likely I am to break open that door during his 30 minute shower and shave time when I need to pee and had to pee and was just getting UP to pee when he rushed into the bathroom. My kitty has NO IDEA how much I wish she wouldn't sleep at the foot of the bed and yowl at me at 2am when I accidently kick her.

Speaking of 2am. I am having a hard time sleeping lately. I wake up in pain, in my shoulders, neck, upper and lower back, my normal aches and pains, only now I can't take my handful of advil for them, not until a Dr. OK's some sort of pain killer for me.

oh, and I think I had my first genuine craving! for a tunafish sandwich. And while that might not seem so weird to some of you, I HATE FISH normally! But tuna with mayo and mustard and chopped up dill pickles on sourdough bread was SO yummy, I want to go eat more, even though I am full!

My step mom gets into town today so we can do dress shopping and other things this weekend. I am so excited to get to see her!!!!

And then the weekend AFTER THAT my mom and grandma are going to be in town, and I get to see them and my aunt and my cousins and my cousins new baby. That will be fun too! I can't wait!

Week 10!

Just like the title says, week 10 is here. I'm noticing a bump. I can feel it, and its making my clothes tight! It's not a big bump yet, but its there.

My mom is coming up in 2 weeks, my step mom is coming up in a week, I go do cake tasting on Thursday with my Dan. It seems like there is lots going on, and I just found out today that my Aunt Judy wants to throw me a shower on the... 14th, i think she said, of November! And apparently lots of people want to come! I'm just going to be thrilled to see my family, I didn't expect anything like that so soon! I know why she wants to do it early, its so Mom and Grandma can be there, which is way sweet!

I love my family so much.

I can't wait to get my dress too! That is super exciting.

Oh, and Dan's family is making me welcome already! His grandma sent him the ring that was apparently HER engagement ring, giving to her by Dan's Grandpa Dan, the one he is named for. It didn't fit, so until we can get it resized, he insisted I wear it and gave me a chain so I could put it around my neck. If that isn't a nice welcome to the family gesture, I don't know what is!

I find out on Monday what kind of health care I'm going to get from OHP. I am looking forward to getting in to see a doctor and getting everything checked out.

In sad news, one of the nurses where I work just found out her son was killed in Afghanistan. So anyone who reads this and feels like offering her good thoughts or prayers, her name is Tori.

It's odd, normally I don't cry at work, but maybe its a combo of the hormones and the super sad news, but I cried at work after hearing that. 

Anyways, Im off for now, waiting on some lasagne to be done cooking so I can eat. Italian food seems to be all that sounds good lately, which is fine by me!

on and on and on

I am getting my appetite back, YAY! Made nummy pasta tonight!

And I went out and tried on some dresses today, for the wedding. And I finished the invitations and am getting ready to send them out! Just collecting addresses.

So, wanna see the dress?

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v518/juniperowl/IMG_0892.jpg

yup. Me in a wedding dress. Its not the best look on my face, but I LOVE the dress!

I will be going to try on one in my actual size on the 7th of November when my step mom comes up to help me with the dress thing. we might go try other ones on, but i think i like that one best.

I also got the paperwork for the Oregon Health Plan all turned in today, so that will be good to finally have. Then I get to go get my check up and see how the kiddo is doing. *fingers crossed*

I am just so happy too, and Dan's family is being so wonderful and welcoming to me, it makes me feel so good to know that they are happy about this.

I can't wait to meet his mom and dad when they come to the wedding.

My mommy is coming up to visit in a couple weeks, i am excited to get to see her. And my grandma too, they are coming to see my cousins new baby, who I also want to see. I just have not had the time yet, so I will make the time when mom is here to go see my new cousin Dorothy (Dotty).

So thats all the news for now!

All is going well for me, and im just happy that I feel like eating!!!

looking

We went and looked at two houses over the last two days. And house two looks GREAT! Its older, but wow it looks to be in decent shape for being lived in for 70 years. It needs some new paint and some work done, but its not that bad.

Im almost ready to get the stuff together for my OHP application. Which would be nice to have.

Besides all that, i need to start making calls about my cake and flowers for the wedding. I need to get the dang energy to DO that though. It feels like a HUGE task right now.

But I need to get that going so that it actually CAN happen. Oh, and work on designing my wedding invitations. I got the paper to print them on, and Kathy bought me a new printer to use! It's so nice, I am so excited.

But for now, just uploading some pictures of the house to send to mommy, then going to bed.

can't eat, can't sleep

Title says it all. I also am feeling drained, stressed, overwhelmed, cranky and weepy.

Work is making me nuts, calling me in at 10pm, which means I don't get home till after midnight, then I have to wake up at 5:45am to get back in there.

I just want a real weekend. But even on my so called days off, I still have the person who covers for me asking me about stuff over the phone.

Oh, and I want a bra with metal shielding. I swear, if I even LOOK at them funny, they hurt. Forget about having the cat launch himself onto them at 2am. *sigh* That was the quickest kitty launching out the door ever.

But I think I have a SMALL solution to the eating thing, I can DRINK! So I am drinking lots of stuff with fruit in it, and TRYING to eat when I can.

One more month to go, then it gets easier. Thats what they all say. I hope they are right.

week 8 starts

Today marks the beginning of week 8. Nothing much new to report. Wedding plans are slowly starting to happen. No energy to speak of, but still dragging my butt to work and home and then back to work again usually.

I am having trouble sleeping though. I can't get comfy, then I can't fall asleep, then my shoulders hurt, then my back hurts, then i have to pee, then i cant get comfy. I think all in all I am getting about 3 hours of sleep a night. I am napping in the late mornings to early afternoons to make up for lost sleep and keep away sleepy headaches.

Im having a hard time wanting to eat anything too, the constant nausea is making it hard to think about food in a positive light. Right now I am of the opinion that ANYTHING is better than nothing. So when I got a craving for pizza, it was lean pockets pepperoni! and then a peach.

I have those WIC vouchers to use, and I might use the milk and veggie ones soon. I have until the end of the month. But I don't know about the beans and whatnot ones, since I don't know what on earth I would DO with a bag of dried beans! Or brown rice... (which just tastes GROSS to me, its too fat and chunky feeling) or maybe I can find some other breed of brown rice that doesn't cook up in a way that feels odd to me.

Anyways, it's pouring rain here, so I am going to go give my sweetie a ride into work and then go raid the freezer section of Freddie's for food that I can cook and eat when I actually AM hungry.

oh no, whatever shall I do!

Today I have had a few times when I am hungry and the only thing that sounds good is ice cream. Isn't it terrible? I had to eat chocolate ice cream for breakfast! Oh, and vanilla for dinner (after a grilled cheese sandwich). I don't know HOW I will survive!

(If you can't tell, there is oodles of happy sarcasm in those words!)

I am working on gathering up all the stuff I need for the OHP thing. And I will be going back to work tomorrow now that THAT mess is cleared up. I hope it didn't get too insane while I was gone, leaving another mess for me to clean up.

Also, I will be applying to another job, one that is full time and pays better. I would like to not have the stress of getting up at 6am and not knowing when I will get called in all the time. As much as I love the people at Cedar Hills, I think I need something better. I was debating about even applying, knowing that in a few months I will be leaving for maternity leave, but it was put into perspective by someone pointing out that its not like its going to take tons of time to train me, and i will get a good 5 or 6 months out of the place before I need to take leave from being too BIG to lean over someone and draw their blood.

Anyways, I am off to go play some WoW and have fun with my friends before the headache sets back in.

sick, sleepy and OMG I am even annoying myself

i have been feeling sick for the last 4 days now, not too much time when I don't feel ill.

between bouts of THAT, I have been trying to gather up the stuff I need for the Oregon Health Plan, that I need to qualify but that they neglected to SAY in the application I HAD to have.

I did qualify for WIC and got the first of my vouchers, but found that not only do they have some VERY strict rules, but you have to buy things like Milk in 2 gallon increments, so you better have fridge space! Oh, and it isn't even enough food to make a real meal out of, unless you can fill yourself on just beans and milk. It isn't even enough food for a WEEK for a single person and nothing to make a decent meal out of without having to spend your own money on the expensive parts of the meal, like the meat. But I suppose anything helps. Oh, and you also better have time to cook!!! Cause the only things you can buy are dry beans, brown rice, raw sweet potatoes or yams, which need to cook for a long time. And the only bread you can get is TEENY TINY and hard to find in stores. You can get frozen veggies, but not too many, only 8 dollars worth of fresh or frozen a month. a mini loaf of bread, peanut butter, brown rice, dry beans, milk, two boxes of cereal... yea, it isnt much.

Also, work is messing up on stuff for me, so that is stressful enough that I don't even want to talk about it.

But still, my sweetie is the best. He just ran out to go pick up Chinese food for me! <3 him SO MUCH!!!

Dreams

I've started having weird dreams. Like the one I had during my nap yesterday, that someone kept trying to touch my belly and they wouldn't stop even when I asked them to. So I had to punch them in the face. But then they said I assaulted them and called the police on me. It was way weird for a dream.

Today I go down to the WIC office to see if I qualify for help with food. I hope I do since I need to be eating healthier but that is so expensive! I also sent in my application for the Oregon Health Plan on Saturday, and I should hear from them before 45 days pass. That seems like an awful long time to be waiting. Hopefully it comes sooner than that.

But my step mom sent me a sweet card today, and in it some fun gift cards. The Olive Garden card is sounding REAL good for dinner some night... do that never ending soup and breadsticks deal. I'm sure my lima bean would love that.

Dan made me chicken curry noodles last night, that was wonderful! He is such a sweetie and so helpful. I really appreciate him. I hope I tell him that often enough.

Today ends the 2 day ban on talking about the wedding, so maybe I can bug him about it tonight and get a guest list from him and we can pick the location so that me and Kathy can start planning the whole thing! I'm excited. Nervous too... But mostly excited.

bananas

I have wanted banana cream pie for DAYS now. It just sounded SO fantastic, but I needed a way to make it a BIT more healthy. So I wanted to share my idea to make a banana cream pie smoothie.

Its not exactly the same, but it works!

Bananas (duh)
Vanilla yogurt
One scoop Vanilla Ice Cream
pineapple/orange/banana juice

throw all that in the blender in whatever measurements make sense to you.

Blend

mmmm, its like a banana cream pie!!!

wow that made me happy. I feel so much better with my banana cream smoothie/milkshake thing.

just wanted to share that.

In other news, I wanted to go find a baby book today, so I looked at Michael's arts and crafts, but it seems the scrapbooking thing has taken over the world. I would try it, but to make it look really cool you need all sorts of expensive things! So I will pass on that and try a book store next.

I thought about the wedding a bit when I saw the wedding stuff at Michael's, and mostly it made me glad that I'm doing this thing small and tame. I don't even want to THINK about half the stuff I saw there! It all feels like this whole thing is going to be too big, too much, to huge and insane.

Ah well, I guess I just go along for the ride.

Sent off my application for the Oregon Health Plan today, so sometime in the next 45 days I will find out if I am eligable for the plan and if I get to go to the hospital I want to have my baby at. Too bad a birthing center is NOT on their list of places I can have a baby. I just want to get in for my first check up!!!

Not to mention that first ultrasound... *glee* little heartbeats and tiny little person!

48 hours of nothing

Well, while we might have picked a date for the wedding today and gotten some other plans worked out, we are putting everything on hold for 2 days. So, no announcing the date to the family until Monday, no talking wedding ANYTHING until Monday. Dan is feeling overwhelmed with everything and while I would feel better with it just slowly getting planned, he needs to take some time and NOT think about it.

So I will let him.

What else is new... Well, I met my soon to be brother-in-law and his wife. I was scared that I wouldn't be liked, or that they would somehow judge me for putting their family member in this situation (like it was somehow my fault alone) or some other dumb thing. But other than a hug that was awkward at first, it was good!

But I swear, I will never eat at that restaurant we went too again. The food was SO salty that halfway through my plate I needed to stop because my mouth was burning from the salt.

Today I found a new way of describing my energy level. It is the energy level of a particularly un-energetic rock. I also said that even falling down right now wouldn't work because giving in to gravity would take too much effort.

But on the happier side of things... My mom is looking in to buying a house and some property up here in the great Pacific Northwest and having me and Dan live on it and building herself a home on it. Which sounds great to me! We get a home, I get my mommy, and the baby gets his or her grandma for a babysitter.

Anyways, I need to get back to doing...something.... while I wait for my blankets to dry so I can go pass out in bed. No, really, I was going to do something but I can't remember what it was. And apparently this memory problem only gets worse during the pregnancy. Lovely.

Meeting (some of) the family

In just a moment here Dan and I are heading out to go have dinner with his brother and his wife. It will be the first time meeting anyone else from Dan's family. I am a little nervous, but I know that it will be ok.

Also, its at a restaurant, and that means food. Right now, anything that has to do with food is a GREAT thing!

Will post about how it went later on.

Thanks Kathy!

I got home today and found the book, Thank You!

My stepmom sent me a copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting. Now I get to read in even more detail than the web site all the "fun" stuff that is going to happen to me. And scare myself out of my mind about the birth. Oh, better yet, I can make Dan read it and see how big his eyes get!

But really, thank you Kathy. I appreciate it. I have a feeling I will be turning to it quite often as I ask, "Is this NORMAL?"

For the record...

Just had to share that I have the sweetest guy. Even as I type, he is off doing laundry and including mine. Without me asking, without saying "hey, can i wash this with the darks?". He is just that sweet and caring, to think to wash my stuff when he does his.

Even before a week ago he did this, every day when I would think "gee, i should wash some clothes today" I would come home to find that he already had.

I love this guy!

soooo sleeeeepy

Just like the title says, sleepy.

Reading blogs and info about being pregnant says this normal, but oh how I wish for even a fraction of my energy back. I feel like I am dragging my legs through lead to stay awake, then other moments I am awake like normal and just fine.

I'm also noticing my hunger patterns changing. Before it was a slow build up to being super hungry, I had time, an hour or so before I was ready to gnaw at anything I could get into my mouth. Now it's about a 15 minute time lapse between when I go "huh, I'm hungry" to wanting to eat anything I can get my hands on. I bet this is why they think pregnant people eat weird things, they just get so hungry that ANYTHING resembling food gets to be eaten, even if it happens to be munching on a pickle while you get yourself that bowl of ice cream you REALLY wanted, just to keep you from screaming in frustration at how long it actually takes to scoop a bowl of ice cream. Or snacking on while you wait for your dinner to finish cooking. This morning I had yogurt for breakfast, and rice cakes, then more yogurt on the ride home after 2 hours at work. I got home, fell asleep again, woke up and all in the same moment I was hungry, had to pee, was dying of thirst and STILL felt like falling asleep. THAT was a confusing set of feelings.

Whattoexpect.com is telling me that I get to look forward to hair growth on my head increasing, but also hair growth in other places too, or even NEW places. As long as I don't have a hairy back or anything, I don't see a problem.

I'm waiting for a copy of my birth certificate to come and then I need to make a copy of some cards and I can apply for the oregon health plan. which i will be really glad for when i am OK'd for it. I want to find a doctor and get to know them while I still have time to find another, just in case!

Also my sweetie and I started talking about some wedding plans, decided on a few things, but nothing that will give us a date or location yet. I wish I felt like I had the energy to plan a wedding. I really do, but I think I might have to just get my stepmom in on this and my aunt and let them help me out.

So i guess that's it for today! I'm going to go raid the fridge and see what I can find! Sooooo hungry.

And then, i think its naptime again.

The start of week 6

Well, at least thanks to whattoexpect.com I know I am not a freak. One of the symptoms of this whole pregnancy thing is increased sense of smell. I guess this is why I smelled a banana at 15 feet, smelled my dirty socks from yesterday halfway across the room, and why I am stocking up on mint gum. So far it seems to help kill that sense of smell so I am not wrinkling up my nose all the time.

Now, quick aside, WHY do they call it a symptom? Lack of a better word perhaps. I mean, if you have a flu, you have symptoms. If you have a disease, you have symptoms. I guess they could call it a side effect? I mean, being pregnant is not a disease you have symptoms for! Things like being a super-sniffer, feeling pukey, peeing all the damn time... those are just lovely little things that go along with the little lima bean inside me.

As far as the nausea thing goes, I have not lost my lunch (or breakfast, or dinner) yet, but I do have those "Oh no, no no no, no, please don't let me puke" moments from time to time.

But I have wanted to eat EVERYTHING! One reason, the kiddo, the other reason though is that I can smell so much better right now, as long as it smells GOOD to me, it also tastes good too. I mean, it tastes GOOD! I wish I could have a buffet of my favorite foods in front of me RIGHT NOW so I could eat everything with this super sense I now have. But I do get it for 8 more months, enough time to eat everything I want to try.

My sweetie, Dan, has been wonderful too. With a smile and a comment about not testing his culinary skills TOO much, he says he will make me soups and nummy things to eat at home! I've already put in some requests! (And he already made me these great curry noodles from a cookbook I got him as an early birthday present.)

My little lima bean has also been the cause of some funny feeling not-quite-cramps that I thankfully discovered are totally normal. But they really feel funny and make me jump up when they hit.

On the more not-so-fun side of things, I am waiting on my application to the Oregon Health Plan, and as we speak (as I type?), sitting on hold with WIC so I can get some food assistance. Also, we are starting to look at apartments around here and becoming discouraged. The move in fees alone would amount to 3 months worth of rent! But with a little hope and some real looking we might be able to find something.

I also made the mistake of looking at baby stuff. Strollers, car seats, cribs, changing table... *sigh* so much money. But, really, who needs a changing table? The bed works just fine if you put a blanket down. And a stroller? HAH! I'm sure I can just get a little red wagon, right?

After spending some time crying, I decided to just let go for now. Just try to relax and not think too hard about it. There is no sense worrying about what I can't change right now, and in the end, I know everything will work out for the best.

Oh, to end on a lighter note, I told my Aunt Judy about all this yesterday and she was happy for me. Just talking to her made me happy, and seeing how excited she was to get to tell my cousin and his family about it made me feel like maybe this will all turn out ok.

and so it begins

wow. just, wow.

On October 1st, 2009 I found out I was going to have a baby. I had had some suspicions for a couple days before, and took a pregnancy test at home. It came up positive and with that looming in my mind, I headed off for work. I thought about that little line on the test on my way into work and for the few hours I was there. I decided that even though through my job I am technically able to read a pregnancy test and confirm a result, I really wanted someone else to confirm mine.

I headed back toward home and called Bev on my way and told her what was going on. After the initial shock she was amazingly supportive and sweet. I got there half an hour early and spent 30 long minutes sitting in the parking lot of the Pregnancy Resource Center.

The people there were fantastic and kind and so sweet and just wonderful. They got a new test for me right away and I spent a while talking to a wonderful lady there. After a while she went to go read the test and came back into the room carrying a basket of homemade baby booties, "Would you like to pick out a pair?" she asked.

"Is that a yes?"

Her smile and "yes, it's a yes" were an amazing thing to see and hear. I laughed, I cried, I cried some more in joy and fear and just confusion. Then I panicked. How was I going to tell Dan, my boyfriend? I mean, I didn't get into this ALONE!!!

***

A few hours later, some thinking later... deciding that coming home and asking "so sweetie, do you prefer Dad, Daddy, or Papa?" was NOT going to be the best approach I arrived home to see my sweetie playing on the computer.

I made sure he was in a good mood, then dragged him over to the bed to snuggle up with me for a moment. Sounding way more sure than I really was I simply said "I need to tell you something and I hope you don't run screaming into the streets when I say it... *deep breath* I'm pregnant."

He froze, I started to tear up, he resumed mobility and rubbed my back while we sat there in stunned silence. I don't remember much of what happened next other than the promises to be there for me, to not leave me to deal with this alone, to support me always and take care of me.

I had to go out of the house for a bit then to pick up my check from work, and he sat at home and thought. I came home, we went to the store, we came home, he decided he needed to get out for a bit to think. I decided to call my mother.

After talking to my mom and feeling much better about things my sweetie came home.

Amidst a flood of tears and sweet words, hand holding and much outpouring of love, along with an assurance that he was thinking this way even before the baby thing happened, he proposed to me.

So not only am I going to be a mom, but I'm going to get married too.

And Honestly, I couldn't be happier.

So I am going to keep this blog updated with all the stuff I'm going through, learning, and living as I head forward on my journey toward being a wife and a mother. Each one of those would have been enough on it's own, but both at once is... wow. Just WOW!

And as for the title of the blog, well, right now my baby is about the size and shape of a lima bean, so it's my little lima bean. I know soon enough it will be bigger, but I think part of me will always think of it as the little lima bean that started this all.

Just starting on week 6, 34 more weeks to go!