Friday, September 17, 2010

Houses, Leaks and Hateful People

Mom came to visit, we found a great house, Dan liked it and we put in an offer. Waiting to hear back from the bank.

Liam is growing well and doing fine. He has his cranky moments, but mostly he is just perfect. He is having a sleepy day today, eating a lot and sleeping even more.

I think Nicole is right, babies do not eat to a certain calorie level by the day, they seem to go by how many they get in a week. Or maybe two weeks. Liam has days where he eats so little its a wonder he is even growing, then days like today where he wants to pack away 4-6 ounces every 2-4 hours. By 6pm he has downed 24 ounces, and I know there are at LEAST two or three more feedings of 4-6 before bed!

The bathroom ceiling sprung a leak. The guy said he repaired it. but then it was leaking even WORSE when the people up there took a bath. So the repair guy had to come back out and fix it. I didn't have a bathroom for most of the day and its STILL covered in plaster dust despite the plastic he put down. Ugh. I have to wash everything again.

Someone who I thought was a friend said something purposefully cruel and hateful to me on Thursday. I would ignore them and move on, but they are dating my very best friend. and now I feel like there is a barrier between me seeing that friend. Because if that person even TOUCHES me or my son I will have them charged with assault. And the only words I want to hear from them are enormous apologies while they cower at my feet. I don't think I could look at them right now without imagining causing them great bodily harm. So I can not go see my friend unless they are not home, which limits the time I can spend with said friend. Plus, while I desperatly want to be the better person, with how upset I am, I do not think that I could refrain from saying a large number of truthful but cruel things in return.

So I am rather slim on the friends front until things either blow over and cruel and hateful one apologizes, and not with one of her backwards "I'm sorry you are mad at me" apologies. I want to hear her say "I am sorry I said that your son should have been aborted or given up for adoption because you currently need state aid for food stamps and health care for said son. And I am sorry I implied you are lazy and abuse the state aid system that is put in place for the 1 in 7 people that live in poverty in this country that you are currently a member of, but I know you are trying to rise above that and not trying to mooch off the state." because that is what her words amounted to.

It makes me sad that I can not let go of this yet. I tried to pray, but found myself praying that she was horrifically injured or suddenly lost her job and needed to be on state aid and then I could go see her and call her a slacker and tell her that she should just get over all of her stupid hypochondria made up health care concerns because now her one doctor visit every two weeks is costing the tax payers money. Or I would find myself praying for her to get smacked in the head with a 2x4 and be tossed into a holding pond full of ravenous piranhas.

I look at my son, and know that he has a right to be alive. He has a right to be with me and Dan and our families. We were not trying to have a baby so we could get state aid, he was unexpected, but not unwanted. We are struggling to make ends meet and living frugally and carefully. We make do with less and repair the old instead of buying new. My food stamps are mostly spent on baby food while Dan and I live on some of the cheapest foods out there for right now. I no longer receive medical aid, only Liam does to make sure he gets his shots so he doesn't end up like those babies in California who are dying from whooping cough, a preventable disease.

For someone to tell me that because we are having a rough time right now that I basically don't have the RIGHT to have my child makes me sick.

I wish I could say more about her, and then tag her name in here a billion times so anyone who searched for her saw what a hateful person she was. But I am trying to be the better person. Maybe failing right now by typing this, but I need to get it out somehow or I think I will implode.

But in the end, she is sad and hateful and will lose everyone around her if she keeps saying things like this. While I have a beautiful son, a loving husband who has a hard time understanding me when I am so depressed. I need to cheer up for him, I need to let this go.

Ugh, adding this to the postpartum depression I am having is not healthy. But it gets easier when Liam smiles, or when Dan looks at me with those big puppy dog eyes and says "I just want you to feel better" even if I can not figure out what would make me feel better.

I will get through this. I will let go of my anger somehow. I will find a way to ask for her to get EXACTLY what she deserves without imagining delivering specific things with my own two hands. Or maybe I will just forget she even exists. That would be better right now. 

1 comment:

  1. Jessie, as you know I'm a witch and therefore can't wish people ill, because we believe that whatever we send out will come back to us threefold. However, I do have a curse that I've wished on people, that I'm willing to have come back at me. It is, "May you reap the full consequenses of all of your actions." In this case, you might amend that to "all of your words and actions."



Search Engine Submission - AddMe