Worries, Thoughts, Trying my best...

Liam is sleeping in his chair next to me right now, he will be three weeks old tomorrow!

I finally got the insurance for him set up, and we have an appointment to get him a check up today. YAY!

But of course, nothing can be easy for me. I woke up this morning with a bladder infection. Thankfully the clinic could give me the treatment for it from just a phone consult, especially since Dan is at work and has the car today. But he is a sweetie and will pick up my prescription for me after work.

I took some of those pills that make the pain go away, so I just am hoping I can manage to not be in pain at the doctors office.


For the most part things are going well. I am worried about not making enough milk for Liam though. Since he won't breastfeed, and now even refuses to use the nipple shield I am pumping only to get milk for him and I don't know if I can keep up.

I am pumping every 2-3 hours, or as often as he eats and finishes 3oz. Granted, sometimes this can take him a while, which is why I try to not go longer than 2-3 hours without pumping. He eats in 1.5oz bits, then sleeps for an hour, then eats more. Yes, even at night.

I am not getting enough sleep, I know. But I am managing. I wish I could nap more, but once I wake up its hard to feel sleepy again. I do nap when I can.

If nothing else at least I am resting. I am not bothering with any chore that isn't totally necessary right now. I am so worn out and trying to keep up with his demand is stressing me out. This morning I had to get one of the bags of milk out of the freezer from that one week when I had tons of milk and was storing some. I was empty and he was still hungry.

I even thought that maybe some of his wanting to suck was just a wanting to suck and offering him a bottle was just making him eat when he wasn't really hungry, so I got him a pacifier to try. But he just spits it out most of the time I offer it to him. He will use it for about 15 minutes at night sometimes, which is just enough time for me to start falling asleep and then have him spit it out and start right up fussing again for no good reason.

Each time he wakes at night I feed him and burp him and change, then have to pump, by then its an hour later and he is still awake since he seems to want to play at night. He will watch me and stare at the blankets, and just not sleep. So then I have to snuggle him to sleep and lat him down and sometimes he will sleep and sometimes he will fuss and cry for another hour, then its time to feed him again.

If he would just take the food from the source........ *sigh* but I don't want to use formula. I am trying my best. I even ordered the larger pump parts since it turns out that might help. I am drinking enough liquids to drown a horse.... At least 2 liters a day, water, juice, milk, etc... only ONE soda a day for the most part.

I think I am eating enough. I eat till I am full, and I eat when I am hungry. I can't force myself to eat more really or else I will just get sick.

I guess some of this is just new mom worries and what not. I might be able to relax more after a doctor tells me that he is doing well (if he is!). I certainly hope that he is doing fine. He seems fine to me and I know he is putting on weight.

So many new things to worry about, so many chances and choices... I just want to do right by him. I want to give him the best that I possibly can.

I love this little guy SO MUCH!!!!!