Tuesday, June 1, 2010

The Last Day

Well, here we are, the day I never thought would arrive but have waited for for so long.

One way or another, he gets here tomorrow. Or later today, depending on what happens. Who knows.

But today is my last day being pregnant where I might being going to bed pregnant.

Mom is going to take me out to do some shopping to keep my mind busy. We need a baby bath tub and one of those shower guard things that keep water from spilling over the edge of the tub since she thinks that is part of what is causing the floods behind the potty. We also are going to get some treats to bring for the nurses who will be helping out, as a thank you for all we know they will be doing for me and my little guy. (Plus it means that once I am non diabetic I can have that dang Milky Way bar I have been craving!)

There are so many things running through my head right now. From how to manage guests that want to meet him to how it will be to finally see him face to face, to a touch of sadness, that I will never ever again be able to hold my little boy this close to me.

From the moment I go into labor, he will be growing farther and farther away from me. This is how it is supposed to be, this is how life works, but I have to admit I will miss the kicks and nudges, the rolls and hiccups that have reassured me these past months that all was well. Now I will have to feel his breathing, and that is another kind of reassurance as well... but its different. I know for a while I was always worried that something was wrong and I didn't know about it, but coming down to this last day, now I worry about other things.

I hope he is healthy, I hope there is nothing wrong that they didn't catch, I hope he comes out ok, that I come out of it all ok. I hope that nothing goes wrong so in a few years we can give him a sibling. I hope that Dan gets to feel included even in this last process that is so focused on Mom. I hope I don't turn into a monstrous bitch when I am in labor. I hope I don't hurt his feelings with anything I might say when I am in pain. We already talked about it, and he said that nothing I can say will be anything he will take to heart. At least not the negative things. Even still, I hope I don't say anything rude. He has been there for me through the worst of this and the best of this, and sometimes when there was nothing else to do, he just sat there and listened to me complain when that was really all he could do.

Who could possibly ask for more?

So now I am getting the last few things together. The last few thoughts, the last few items, the last moments before everything changes forever. I am so excited, so happy about getting to meet my little guy. I know Dan is excited too. I want today to fly by, but then, I want it to take its time so I get to enjoy what I can about it.

I suppose it will just keep going on at the speed of time.

Still there is part of me that hopes my little guy will choose to come on out on his own terms. I really do hope for that. Each little cramp, each contraction that I have been trying not to get excited about still makes me wonder. He is sticking his feet up under my sternum and using it as leverage to wriggle down and then I can feel his hands in my sides as he squirms. I know it must be cramped in there for him. His little world is about to get so much bigger.

Soon little guy, soon.

So much waiting, and its almost done. It really is finally almost done.

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