I dread bed time. Sure, it starts off ok. Settle in, get comfy, get up to pee, get comfy again... start to doze off, wake up cause I got kicked in some internal organ.
But then I finally fall asleep, and wake up in pain. My hips feel like they are trying to dislocate themselves! They hurt so badly, I have to turn over each time I wake up. It hurts to stand up from laying down.
I roll over and whimper as I move.
I shouldn't complain, I know this will pass, but oooooh does it hurt! I have even tried taking Tylenol before bed, but it does me little good.
Each day I walk and hurt, sit and hurt, stand up and hurt. I think something is gnawing on my tail bone, my inner thighs feel like some wild animal shredded them to ribbons... but I can deal with this... sit on a hot pack, go take a hot bath, put a pillow under me... its the sleeping thing that is killing me.
I sleep in little bits now. I will go to bed at midnight and sleep until 10 in the morning simply because I just can not get enough sleep in one cycle to feel rested.
Perhaps this is just prep for the first few months when I will be up every couple hours to feed and change the little guy. But at least then the pain I am in should be getting a little BETTER each day, I swear this kind of pain is getting worse.
The midwives all say its pretty normal for some people.
I did feel GREAT when I went swimming, 2 hours in the pool being pain free and weightless was lovely, but when the time came to get out it was kinda like having a sack of bricks put onto my body as I heaved my beached whale feeling self up those steps. The weight all came back at once and I swear I waddled like an arthritic penguin to the changing room only to stand in the hot shower until I could manage to lift my feet with them dragging and go try to get into my clothes.
But we are going again on Wednesday. Those two hours of time in the water felt like a gift from the most loving deity in all of creation. I could have fallen asleep if I thought I might not drown doing it.
In all this time I spend not sleeping I have watched 5 seasons of Bones, 3 seasons of Heroes, 2 seasons of Castle, 5 full length movies, and I am about to start watching season 1 of CSI... I have crocheted through so much yarn that I made 10 unique blankets, 4 pairs of baby booties, 3 scarves, about 8 hats, one bag, one pillow, 3 dog/cat toys and I have two more blankets in the works... three if you count the one that I can't finish until I buy more yarn. Oh, and two wash cloths out of the ends of some yarn balls. I will have gifts to give new munchkins for a long time, and my boy will have some really pretty blankets!
Maybe I should try to sell some of them on Etsy... ? who knows. I also made up a pattern to make a baby hat that has pointed cats ears on it. Its really cute!
But more than I want to finish those blankets, more than I want to find out what happens next in all my shows, more than anything, I want to sleep. I want to go to bed and not wake up and have to turn over and whimper while I am doing it.
I can not WAIT until my little guy gets here, I bet I will sleep more in the first two weeks of him being here than in the last month of carrying him.
Oh, and plus, once he DOES make an appearance here, he no longer will be able to pull that little trick where he curls his feet around my ribs and uses them to push his head down then punch me in the spleen with his fists. Maybe he will be a kung-fu master, maybe he will be a gymnast, maybe he will be a side show strong man.... either way, he is working on his movement skills with dedication and force!
Please oh please, just let me get some sleep my body! I know you are being taken over by alien forces, but can we just leave the hips out of the story for one night?
Please?
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Boys Don't Cry
There are all kinds of lies we tell people. No, that doesn't make your butt look fat, Oh wow your new haircut looks great... The ones that are for the better... Then there are the ones that hurt. Yes I did my homework, Yes I'm sticking to my diet, Or telling your doctor you don't smoke... Then there are the lies that society has told us to tell. Boys don't play with dolls, girls aren't supposed to like worms and slugs, Boys don't cry.
I just heard my neighbor across the way, the one pregnant with twin girls who already is having a high risk pregnancy plus on top of it all she is smoking.... She told her 4-5 year old nephew that "boys don't cry". He was upset about something, I'm not sure what, but her tone of voice was mean sounding. She snapped at him. He started to cry. She told him to stop crying like a baby. That Boys Don't Cry....
So what? Boys can cry. Everyone deserves to cry. Not just girls. Not just babies. If you get hurt, physically or emotionally, its ok to cry. I cry at movies, I cry for certain songs, I cry from sad stories on the news, and that was when I wasn't even dealing with pregnancy hormones!
Dan, don't kill me for saying it, but... You cry too! You cried when we had to find your kitty a home, you cried when I agreed to marry you, you tear up a bit when you talk about relatives you love who have passed... It makes me love you even more! You are not afraid to show your emotions and in my eyes that makes a man even more of a man. He isn't ashamed to FEEL.
I want my little boy to grow up to be able to feel. I don't want him to be a guy who shoves his feelings down inside him and chokes on them. I don't want him to think that they mean nothing. I will hug him and put a bandaid on a booboo when he cried from pain, I will hug him and kiss him and comfort him when he cries from fear. I hope I never snap at him and make him cry, but even if I do, I will be adult enough to admit I was wrong and ask for his forgiveness for losing my temper. Being the Mommy doesn't mean I am always right. (Same goes for Dads too.)
But that moment overhearing the neighbors... It made me wonder what other kinds of lies I am going to have to tell my son are not true.
I don't want anyone to tell him its not ok for boys to play dress-up, or try on different roles. A friend of mine who taught in a pre-school class said that Dads would come to pick up their children and yell at their boys for playing dress up, or wearing an apron in the kitchen play area. Some little boys wanted to put on high heels. They are 3... 4.. maybe 5 years old!!! Putting on high heels, or a dress, or an apron doesn't mean they are gay, or doing anything wrong! It means they are trying on all the different roles they have seen other people in their lives take on! They are trying out different ideas, learning, growing... Wearing high heels and a princess dress for an hour when you are 4 doesn't mean you will grow up to be a cross dresser or anything else! (But my Son, just promise me that if you DO dress up like a girl later on in life, you will do it with a SMIDGE of good taste? ok? Pink spandex mini skirts don't belong on ANYONE, male or female.... )
I might have a daughter later on too. Would I get mad at her for wearing work boots and a tool belt? I better not, or my mom would whoop MY butt! I was raised smarter than that!
So... what do I do if someone else tells my son that its not ok to play dress up? What if someone else tells him that its not ok to cry? or takes away his doll or stuffed animal that he nurtures?or tells him that its not ok to do something simply because of his gender?
I suppose all I can do is just teach him that sometimes people are wrong.
That sometimes, people start to think a certain way and nothing you say or do is going to change it. I can teach him to be stubborn about the things he feels are right. And most of all, I can love him and hug him, tell him I believe in him and that he can do ANYTHING in this whole wide world, even if it means wearing high heels to do it in.
Our society is changing so much, we are moving forward at an incredible rate, but there are still so many people who don't want to see that, who want things to stay stuck in the past.
To all of them, I just want to say, Keep your opinions off of my son! Keep your mouth shut, keep your ideas trapped in your own head.If you stay quiet, so will I. I won't call you a narrow minded jerk, or anything else. I will simply feel sorry that your kids won't get to learn all the things my son will learn.
Boys do cry, they feel, they love, they hurt and they need someone who is there for them, just like girls do. We all need someone, or something that matters to us. That's life, and we all deserve to feel every moment of it in whatever way we need to feel it. Even if it means being a man and crying about it.
"I would say I'm sorry
If I thought that it would change your mind
But I know that this time
I have said too much,
Been too unkind.
I try to laugh about it.
Cover it all up with lies.
I try and
Laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry,
Boys don't cry"
-Boys Don't Cry -- The Cure
I just heard my neighbor across the way, the one pregnant with twin girls who already is having a high risk pregnancy plus on top of it all she is smoking.... She told her 4-5 year old nephew that "boys don't cry". He was upset about something, I'm not sure what, but her tone of voice was mean sounding. She snapped at him. He started to cry. She told him to stop crying like a baby. That Boys Don't Cry....
So what? Boys can cry. Everyone deserves to cry. Not just girls. Not just babies. If you get hurt, physically or emotionally, its ok to cry. I cry at movies, I cry for certain songs, I cry from sad stories on the news, and that was when I wasn't even dealing with pregnancy hormones!
Dan, don't kill me for saying it, but... You cry too! You cried when we had to find your kitty a home, you cried when I agreed to marry you, you tear up a bit when you talk about relatives you love who have passed... It makes me love you even more! You are not afraid to show your emotions and in my eyes that makes a man even more of a man. He isn't ashamed to FEEL.
I want my little boy to grow up to be able to feel. I don't want him to be a guy who shoves his feelings down inside him and chokes on them. I don't want him to think that they mean nothing. I will hug him and put a bandaid on a booboo when he cried from pain, I will hug him and kiss him and comfort him when he cries from fear. I hope I never snap at him and make him cry, but even if I do, I will be adult enough to admit I was wrong and ask for his forgiveness for losing my temper. Being the Mommy doesn't mean I am always right. (Same goes for Dads too.)
But that moment overhearing the neighbors... It made me wonder what other kinds of lies I am going to have to tell my son are not true.
I don't want anyone to tell him its not ok for boys to play dress-up, or try on different roles. A friend of mine who taught in a pre-school class said that Dads would come to pick up their children and yell at their boys for playing dress up, or wearing an apron in the kitchen play area. Some little boys wanted to put on high heels. They are 3... 4.. maybe 5 years old!!! Putting on high heels, or a dress, or an apron doesn't mean they are gay, or doing anything wrong! It means they are trying on all the different roles they have seen other people in their lives take on! They are trying out different ideas, learning, growing... Wearing high heels and a princess dress for an hour when you are 4 doesn't mean you will grow up to be a cross dresser or anything else! (But my Son, just promise me that if you DO dress up like a girl later on in life, you will do it with a SMIDGE of good taste? ok? Pink spandex mini skirts don't belong on ANYONE, male or female.... )
I might have a daughter later on too. Would I get mad at her for wearing work boots and a tool belt? I better not, or my mom would whoop MY butt! I was raised smarter than that!
So... what do I do if someone else tells my son that its not ok to play dress up? What if someone else tells him that its not ok to cry? or takes away his doll or stuffed animal that he nurtures?or tells him that its not ok to do something simply because of his gender?
I suppose all I can do is just teach him that sometimes people are wrong.
That sometimes, people start to think a certain way and nothing you say or do is going to change it. I can teach him to be stubborn about the things he feels are right. And most of all, I can love him and hug him, tell him I believe in him and that he can do ANYTHING in this whole wide world, even if it means wearing high heels to do it in.
Our society is changing so much, we are moving forward at an incredible rate, but there are still so many people who don't want to see that, who want things to stay stuck in the past.
To all of them, I just want to say, Keep your opinions off of my son! Keep your mouth shut, keep your ideas trapped in your own head.If you stay quiet, so will I. I won't call you a narrow minded jerk, or anything else. I will simply feel sorry that your kids won't get to learn all the things my son will learn.
Boys do cry, they feel, they love, they hurt and they need someone who is there for them, just like girls do. We all need someone, or something that matters to us. That's life, and we all deserve to feel every moment of it in whatever way we need to feel it. Even if it means being a man and crying about it.
"I would say I'm sorry
If I thought that it would change your mind
But I know that this time
I have said too much,
Been too unkind.
I try to laugh about it.
Cover it all up with lies.
I try and
Laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry,
Boys don't cry"
-Boys Don't Cry -- The Cure
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