Saturday, October 30, 2010

So much to think about and remember...

Even as I am thinking about how Liam will be as a 3 year old, and how I will feel when he starts school, I still think back to when I was pregnant. The labor, the delivery, that first day when it seemed like everything was great. Then that second night when I thought I would have sold my soul for just an HOUR of uninterrupted sleep as my husband is snoring in the "daddy bed" provided which would have been rejected by any sensible adult.

I remember the pain, but faintly. More, I remember the pain of being pregnant. The pain in my thighs that still haunts me 5 months later, the tailbone that felt like a great beast of lore had been gnawing it on vigorously. The pain of Liam pushing his feet against my ribs at 3 in the morning. But I also remember being awake at 3 in the morning, making blankets and talking to my son as he pushed his feet into me. Now I gently shhhhh him to sleep at 11:20 and am grateful. I am even thrilled the nights he goes to bed at 10:00. I relish nap time, I want to dance in glee when I set him in his swing and within moments he is asleep so that I can FINALLY brush my hair at noon, or make something to eat that is more nourishing than a pop-tart.

I want to stay up until 3am watching CSI and making something, but I know that if I do not get to sleep, I will regret it when 6:30 am comes and with it Dan's alarm clocks and Liam's wake up routine. Thankfully he just starts to shuffle in his sleep and then whimper a bit. The full on wailing only comes when Mean Ol' Mommy decided that you must have a clean diaper before I feed you, because there is a 90% chance that once you are full you will be asleep and I can get in another 2 hours of sleep before you decide to be awake until you are hungry again.

And then there is the wondering. Will he like wooden blocks or Duplo blocks? Will he want to color or play with play doh and/or mud? Will he be talkative or quiet? Cheerful or moody? Will he want to play with other kids or be content on his own? Will I be able to teach him to share? To not throw sand? Will he be the kid who cries at everything or the one who is able to tumble over and then get right back up and run off like nothing happened?

Probably he will be in the middle.

Sometimes I miss my life before Liam. But I miss the oddest things. Staying up late, being able to actually finish a chore after I start it and not stop in the middle to tend to him. Being able to dedicate time to do something without interruptions.

Then I look into his eyes, feel how tightly he grips onto my finger, hear him try his little laugh out, see his smile and I know that no matter what happened in the past, and no matter that the future brings, he is the single most important thing in the whole world to me.

The day will come when he sleeps until 8 or 9 and I know he will not need to wake  up at 6am to eat. The day will come when I can put him in his playpen and he will remain happy in the 30 minutes it takes me to do dishes and wipe down the kitchen. He won't roll onto his tummy and then get stuck and be mad about it. He won't cry because he wants to be sitting up but doesn't know how to get there.

I am sure some day I will remember these days and miss the baby who could barely move across a blanket, let alone suddenly be across a room and getting into trouble. But that is the beauty of memory. I will always remember it as my sweet toddler reaches up to me to be picked up and hugged. And then, I will remember those years as he becomes more and more independent and grows up even more. Some day I will see him finish elementary school, then middle school, then high school and college, and each time even as I give thanks for his growing ability to take care of himself, I will remember and miss the times before.

But right now, I am going to go put myself to bed because 6:30 and that feeding is going to come quickly. And I will wake up and make his bottle in my sleepy haze and endure the crying while I change him as I make sure his after feeding sleepiness can be taken advantage of without needing to wake him to change a wet diaper.

And I will know that there is nothing better than this that could ever happen to me.

I want him to grow, but perhaps, not too fast. This might be hard right now, but the best things in life are never easy.

But they are filled with love.

1 comment:

  1. You are taking such good care of Liam, Jessie! Don't worry so much about the future. You and Dan will teach him the right things. He will have a thing or two to say about it, as well. (Hmph. MANY things, methinks!) Enjoy the process, and these years, as much as you can. I taught my boys to think for themselves, to be strong and independent. Then, when they grew up and moved out on their own, independent, I ached to have my babies back. I had done my job as mother to the best of my abilities. You are doing that too!


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